Iyers around the World

South India : Iyer
North India : Madrasi
Punjab : Oye Yaar
Sweden : Ijer
Spain : Iller
Germany : Iër
Ireland: O'Eire
England : 'yer
America: Oh yeah
African-America: Yo!
Australia: Oi-yah
North Africa: Iyah
Central Africa: Oiyo
Japan: Iyo
Russia: Iy
France: Àixer
Iceland: Ambisson
Netherlands: Iyeer
Italy: Ambiino
Brazil: Da ãer
Pakistan : Iyengar
China: "aiyo! no meat or eggs, please"

Backs to the Future

The other day Harsh pointed out the immense increase in the numbers of pre-schools (and nurseries, unless they are all the same), measured purely by the number of vehicles carrying children to these pre-schools. This was further underlined by an ad in the ToI for an exhibition on pre-schools.

That's right. A pre-school Expo (termed "Future Kids" - which seems wrong. The kids are already present, aren't they?). Cars, real estate, pots and pans, handlooms, and even plant fibre have had such shows dedicated to them. But this is the first time I've heard of a pre-school expo.

Of course, children are going out of the house much earlier than their parents used to (some of their grandparents never even left the house). I'm sure that as a result, they will grow up to be better informed and more socially confident than us (err, than me). Kind of Virat Kohli vs. Venkatapathy Raju. There's no contest, really.

Calculating using the current rate of acceleration, by 2030, pre-schools will also begin offering IIT-JEE coaching. It's not that absurd - this is the land of Abhimanyu after all, and perhaps Kota's famed coaching classes will have auxiliary maternity rooms where the immortal words of Halliday and Resnick will echo throughout the day.

And remember kids, unlike in Abhimanyu's case, the answers to equations involving concentric circles will be available at the end of the book.

Growing big in Kolkata

Prof. Soumen Chakrabarti is a faculty member at IIT Bombay's Computer Science department (and one of the top researchers in his field in the world). Like several professors in such institutes, he gets emails from wannabe interns/project seekers. Perhaps some are of the 'academic hunger' type, but a few are just looking for CV embellishments & recommendations for higher studies.

Prof. Chakrabarti's webpage carries a prominent notice stating:

At the moment I am not offering short-term projects to students not enrolled in a regular program at IIT Bombay.

Despite that, he seems to receive correspondence hoping for the opposite, some of which is painfully delightful. He has a sample on his blog (here), under the heading: "Can't read but will apply". Such as:

[...]I am an International Rifle Shooter of India and I was a member of an INDIAN AIR RIFLE SHOOTING TEAM FOR YEAR 2006. I am a presently studding in a 7th semester of B.E. Information Technology at LLLL DDDD Engineering College, AAAA, GGGG. [...] I am sending my Resume with this. I am sure that you would kindly cooperate and oblige.

Soumen Chakrabarti comments:

How could I possibly refuse from the wrong end of a Remington?

It gets even more interesting. Quoting from the entry:

Then there is in-your-face dishonesty:
"I have gone through your research activities given on your homepage. I am looking for a challenging opportunity for summer internship for the period of May-July 2007."

When I pointed out that anyone reading my homepage would notice my statement (that I do not take external students), I got a response like this:
"it's fine if u donot want to work with me ,but such words don't suit a proff of ur standards"

Clearly there is no dearth of entitlement, just good sense.

The exchanges seem to have become more hostile in recent times, with Soumen Chakrabarti receiving email that criticises him for either his hiring policy or for making these instances public (see end of the post).

He ends with this statement that really pinches:

It's hard to overstress the liability of a nation of a billion people out of which 700 million are functionally illiterate and the rest have no wish to follow instructions, even when they are asking for a favor.

These accounts are both hilarious and depressing. We need to satisfy the demand for higher-quality education, get more good professors teaching, have fewer people attempting to bull-doze their way into cosmetic achievements on paper, and for someone to tell these people that the simplest way to stand out is to use the bits of grey matter bestowed by nature on them in a fit of pure chance.

Link to the post here

Go fourth and concur

Such are times that 'four' is no longer the fourth digit among the 'natural numbers' (fifth for all you geeks who prefer 'whole numbers').

These days "4" is "Two 2.0".

Nadir Shah-stri

Ravi Shastri during commentary in the IPL match this recent Sunday:

That ball spun and bounced like a spitting cobra!

If a cobra could do that, it should be in the ballet :-)

A tribute to weirds

In my defence, I must say my hand has been forced. This post by Abhishek asks of me what I think of Avnish's recent crusade against words.

But before that, a correction. The e-steamed Abhishek repeatedly insinuates that self and colleague are computational linguists. Charmed as I am by the honour, I must hasten to add that this is far from the truth: we are not such men of such wordly (sic) pleasures. At best, we are word-counters, miners in hard hats, wading through the lovely mess that is text. XKCD rants are slings at some of the contributors here, while we 49ers sit by the quarry and watch such warfare, wiping stems and lemmas from our brow.

Returning to Mr. Dhondge and his disgust for "lexeme", I must hasten to the defence of that poor token. For "lexeme" was never meant for the popular vocal stage. It serves a very well-defined (as Avnish's gloss amply illustrates) purpose in an academic field. One might as well poke fun at (perhaps these words resonate with Avnish's own chosen field) "thermocouple" or "autocollimator", or think poorly of "Pneumonoultramicro...". It must be said that at least, 'lexeme' - a meta-word, to give it its due - is at least worthy of appearing in a Word of the Day newsletter that seems to cause him so much distress!

Avnish may feel he has struck a blow (or at least a blog) against verbigeration, thus ushering in a golden age of brachylogy. However, isn't more the merrier? And don't forget, we always seem to need more words, and are willing to go as far as Liff to get them. You don't need a dyslexic to spell out that every word is special (except for words like 'leverage' which have been corrupted by an increasingly dissolute society).

With a "St. Pedanticaya Namah", I rest my piece in (lower) case and sign off with Word's funkiest message to creation:

You see, the whole system of the country is juxtapositioned by the haemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated by the exuberance of your own verbosity!
:: Anthony Gonsalves

or alternately:

iske ##differential## me.n lafaDaa hai! gaaDii nahii.n chale.Ngaa.
:: James D'Costa

One man's primate is another man's yucky wimp

One man's primate is another man's yucky wimp

Radio host 1: Have you read the paper, the Aussies are back into you blokes about being whingers?
Harbhajan: That's because they're winning almost every game they are playing out here at this stage.

Host 1: ... and because they have got away without a guy docked 15% of his match fee and they've got an opener...
Host 2 (cuts in) Why don't they just shut up and play cricket?
Harbhajan: There you go, that's the most logical thing I have ever heard this summer

Host 1: Were you charging Andrew Symonds the other day and calling him 'monkey' as you were batting?

Harbhajan: No, 'maa kii. 'Teri maa kii'.

Host 1: That's offensive apparently in Australia?
Harbhajan: He took offence to that, I thought that was quite funny. I said saale, you should be flattered it's a god and your ancestor.


(Everyone laughs)

Host 2: We need to get to the root of the problem and see why they are all so sensitive? What's going on in their lives.

Host 1: Bhajji probably said that as he took Symond's gilli that day...


Harbhajan: I think it's been a bit of a long battle with Symonds. The first time I ever met him he was the same big obnoxious baal-ki-dukaan that he is now, so... (more general laughter)

Host 1: That's what you got about him from every person who's had a dealing with him?

Harbhajan: The thing is, his record speaks for itself in cricket. It's a certain line that you can go to and you know when you push it - and he just pushes it all the time. That is why it is a surprise he's never been charged more than anyone that has ever played in the history of cricket.

Host 1: Does (Matthew) Hayden, that big, tall, balding batsman, come from the same school as Roy?
Harbhajan: Well I think he's just old and as I have said to him many times, abbey, you're 36, just take it easy. He says, but "Aye'm playin' fa maye country" (mimics Aussie accent). Well we're all playing for our country but at the end of the day you're 36, what about if you just worry about your batting for a while. I actually like the idea of getting him in an akhaadaa. Oye, chak de phatte!

(With help from transcript here. Full original version here. Indian view which I don't largely agree with - I don't see it as conscious sledging. I see the foulmouthedness emanating from a plainly pompous and self-inflated ego in a man who's just used to being a bully. If that's how they talk each day, at least they should have the sense to keep it away a mike. Harbhajan himself comes a region which, in stereotype at least, can be foul mouthed itself. But at least, it's off public air. The aussies don't realise that they can't impose their own cultural standards on anyone and that it works both ways.)

A slightly geriatric prodigy

A slightly geriatric prodigy

Happy Children's Day to you too. I'm celebrating the day by reading Champak, that too in Marathi (courtesy a kind friend who probably recognized that my actual age is far different from my chronological age). After a small teary-eyed nostalgic note to wonder where my entire collection of Champaks and Tinkles and Chandamamas disappeared, I move on to my main topic of discussion.

Everyone who knows me agrees on one fact: I am no child prodigy. It can be safely said with some amount of confidence that I shall never be one. If you could be a child prodigy whose talent was hating child prodigies, then it may have been me. I grew up a little disgruntled at these child prodigies, especially musical ones. There, they would point, look at him - he's a child prodigy, they said. Implicit in that accusation would be a minimisation of the talent part and a maximisation of the dedicated/hard-working/sincere part.

But with the passage of time and with the benefit of years, I am no longer threatened by child prodigies. I am able to consider them with avuncular eyes (whenever the eyes are not busy doing un-avuncular things). I saw a special "Children's Day Special" (sic) on CNN-IBN, which featured a chess player, a young girl whose a female Tathagat Avtar Tulsi of sorts, and "Keyboard" Sathya, who's made a name for being particularly adept at playing carnatic classical on his keyboard.

I have time on my side, and the competition is either dying by the roadside or has just given up. In about 40 years, I'll have the last laugh. I'll be a slightly geriatric prodigy.

No, wait, that's A.K.Hangal, about whom (with all due respect to his fine work, especially in Hrishikesh Mukherjee movies), it can be safely said, in the immortal words of Lakshman "Lucky" Prasad Sharma: "woh to paidaa hote hi buDhDhaa ho gayaa".

My heart is beating, at 24 carats per second

My heart is beating, at 24 carats per second

Q. Why did Zaphod Beeblebrox visit the Bollywood Brothel?
A. Because he'd heard the members there each had a "Heart of Gold".

No filmi scarlet women played by an actress who earns more than 10 lakhs per film can have anything less than a heart of pure gold. Rani Mukherjee in particular seems to have amassed so many gilded hearts that even after selling a few to Ashok Saraf, she still has a couple left over for any urgent heart transplants.

This has naturally made all filmi step-moms angry: why is that we reputedly have hearts of stone while these ladies of the night get all the gold, they ask (and with reason). What happens to the reformed streetwalker that the filmy dad brings home to introduce to the children as their new mum? Does she have to have a change of heart before she can cross over the threshold?