Blinding darkness

Deep holes and darkness
Black spots and blue hopes
Looming time, limitless
Bounded acts, gagged ropes

Fickle mind, deserted luck
Forgotten triumphs, lost worlds
Messy futures, unpromised muck
Bleak landscape unfurls

Backseat chair
Unfulfilled talent
Burdened care
In nightly torment

False signs
Desolate times
Dull shines
Mental grimes

Incoherent directions
No writings on the wall
Illegible instructions
Still surely the fall

Now appears the sun
Untrustworthy, eyes shielded
Doubt has you won
Glimmer has yielded

Escape routes
Unknown, invisible
Plastic fruits
Tastless though amiable

Spread the wings
Free from your mind
Sweet falsehoods it sings
To enslave you behind

Carpe Diem
Awake, O' unconscious
Evade them
You, yourselves, so vicious

Out, out, damned spot
Pursue relief and balm
Lest you rot
Between dream and calm

Cursed to stumble
Lack of vision
Left to crumble
Before the intermission

No Deus ex machina
Where the helping hands?
Perennial in-betweener
Fragile thought strands

Pronouncing judgement:
Overhyped in prediction
Just mediocre in element
Expectations mostly fiction

Not good enough to make it
Only smart enough to frown
Not strong enough to take it
Just soft enough to drown

Sad, really sad!

I didn't think it would be this corny even with a name like "Pavitr Prabhakar".

A preview of some of the images from "Spiderman India - I" has some incredibly silly and atrocious "porting" to Indian conditions - by a group of people who seem to have no clue what contemporary India is like. Worst of all, these people essentially seem to be of Indian origin.

Dhoti-clad Spidermen and villains swearing "Chirkut" at each other?

And on top, this amazingly patronising "glossary" that is actually quite hilarious! (Click on the image and zoom in). Though I must say, the artwork is quite excellent.

---

"Spiderman India" - Silly Glossary 

Muaf nahi, me.n thujhe saaf kar duu.ngaa!

I recently "Lucky Prasad"-ed myself. That is something you cannot really mask, unless if it was originally like the ones sported by Pradeep Kumar or S.S.Rajendran in their heydays.

From a human nature observation point of view it is interesting to note reactions (in this case, it is involuntary). The outspoken ones and the well-acquainted will express their feelings immediately. Whereas most of the rest will notice it but will try very hard to behave as if it never existed in the past. A very small minority will notice something has changed, but wouldn't be able to figure it out.

Why not purr through the year

Though I have never taken the IIMs' Common Aptitude Admission Test, I have several friends who have done so and with success. This year, there was some hubbub over the changed format. Given that the exam is taken each year by record numbers of candidates, I wonder why CAT isn't converted into a test (computerised) that one can take around the year, a la the GRE.

The advantages to my mind are many. One, the organisers are not liable to find their logistics stretched to great extents that the sheer numbers must inevitably cause. The cost of arranging classrooms, paper printing & distribution and staff to supervise the proceedings will be a direct function of the number of candidates. Add to this the high security costs. Instead, a continuously running test option would spread the numbers all around the year, plus the computerisation would ease the conduct. All you need during the application cycle is a valid CAT score.

Secondly, it gives candidates some breathing space w.r.t their preparations when unforeseen events happen. Samrat missed his Nov. date twice before. Once, by becoming a canary and contracting jaundice and the following year by having to travel abroad. Fortunately, he eventually took it and made it through to IIM-L. But if he had had an option to give the exam at another date, he may have perhaps have saved himself a year. People are so stressed out with the exam that it's sad to see months of effort go down the drain.

Third, the exam would be less affected to being derailed by paper leaks & misconduct. I know this system must have been proposed last year during the wake of the scandal, but now that things have quietened down and with a successful exam behind them, the IIMs could now change to a more operationally viable system.

We have heard of the big brains at the IIMs, so it should not be too difficult for them to design & implement such a system here. A large database of questions from which questions are periodically chopped & updated shouldn't be too difficult to prepare given the "aptitude" nature of the questions. Perhaps there is no need for a feedback based question set that the GRE uses. As long as they can ensure a fair question paper when making a random selection from the database, there ought to be no complaints on the relative ranking of candidates. Also, you can restrict the number of attempts in a year.

If the idea behind the CAT is about an efficient & quick filter before the next stages, a year-round exam option would not only help the IIMs, it will also give those who haven't done that well a chance to look for other alternatives. Heck, even I may attempt it then, even if just to check my aptitude :-)

Any dissections from management fogeys?

Not another group blog!

Some of us were planning yet-another-cricket-blog to spew forth (why?) on the game on a free publishing service but no one seems to have turned up at the party. Until I know the venue, I thought why not open some cake & coke at this link ?

I have so many important things to do beside this - at the end, while listing up the reasons why I was a failure, "Blogging" will be the "Abou Ben Adhem".

God and the jump cut

Jump cut: a cut which causes the audience to perceive a gap in time, or an unaccountable change in a screen object’s apparent position. Usually occurs when cutting between two images which share an identical subject but place the subject at different positions in the frame.

After several days of forgetting about it, I remembered just before I nodded off. So when He came in to have a conversation as usual, I could tell Him:

"You should give me special powers, you know."
I guess I can, but you know, I'm always a little, um, hesitant giving what people want when they ask for such powers.

I guess most people are usually buggin' him about some crap or the other. I wonder if He thinks this is part of the same crap. I looked at him and caught him smiling, so guess He heard that.

"No, I'm not going to ask you for something deadly. Nothing like say going invisible or being able to fly maybe, though that would be way cool. But no, I don't think you've been asked this before."
Really?

I could tell I had his attention.

"You should give me the power of the 'jump cut'."

His forehead creased in that cool, intelligent way that just oozed wisdom. Of course, he came at me all ignorant and all.

What's that? A jump cut I mean. By the way, you don't have to think of me in the capitalised form. "he" will do..

That's one thing about him - I think he considers polite inquiry and child-like innocence to be a virtue. He's always asking me & telling me stuff like that. I guess he makes sure I have my fundas clear about what I'm saying.

"Hmm.. See, in some of these movies, they skip a few frames in the middle - for e.g. they just cut from you walking from there to you having reached here. Instead of showing all the intermediate parts. It's abrupt, jumpy, but it looks cool. Especially with the right kind of bgm."

Right! I remember - you've mentioned it to me before. But that's in a movie, right? I don't understand what you mean by "wanting it".

"It just came to me when I was in this really boring meeting. The kind where some dude opens his laptop and starts to paint the wall in beige. Then we all stare at it waiting for it to dry."

Did he stifle a chuckle? He has a sense of humour, but perhaps that was a poor joke.

"Anyway, I thought wouldn't it be majorly useful if I could just jump forward in time and basically cut the crap. I mean, all that coffee must not be good for me, no?"

So you want to be able to fast-forward, hmm?

"Actually no. There's a bit of a difference. Let me explain".

I turned around in my sleep to a more comfortable position before continuing.

See, when you FF, you can see all the intermediate images - you merely rush through them. Mostly, they look very funny, that's all. I thought of that before. But I think doing that would mean I'd actually have to live through it consciously. Maybe going through it so rapidly might actually mean the impact of what I am trying to avoid would actually be more, hmmm.. intense.
Whereas in these jump-cuts you don't remember what happened in between?
"But you know what the outcome was - you just fill in the blanks. Interpolation, you see."

He seemed thoughtful, like he was weighing the possibilities.

You do realise that events will still happen, don't you?
"Oh yeah. I'm not asking you to let me change the course of history, now" I said chuckling
Hmm... I don't think you'd be able to any way.

Ooff! Put down. I've got to be a little careful. He's so close to granting this - don't want to spoilt it.

"I just want to accelerate it when I don't like it. Of course, I need to remember it at the end. But not all the details of how it happens."
"Let's see now - a few time variables in the Equation. Should be possible to arrange. No space changes of course. You won't find yourself at a different place suddenly, I mean.
"That should be cool."
I hope you can remember this. Saying that he leaned over and whispered something in my ear. Of course, can't reveal what it was. Code of secrecy and all.

... then blink. You'll learn to control the length of the gap soon.
"Wow! Thanks a lot, sir."
There's not much harm you can do it with that, I hope. Let's see... We'll check how you're getting along with this. I hope you won't get too greedy for something else soon
"Not at all. Thanks again!"

Yoo-hoo. Can't wait to try it out. Will try not to use it too often or too injud

    ly. Must remember not to boast ab

    o others. Shoot! I forgot the possibility of me missing something. I wish I had aske

    ome way to get an action replay of sorts if not going back in time (which he'll sure be touchy about). Next time perhaps. Till then, if you see any break

    olate for yourself, won't you?

Blogroll additions

Say hello to: Mukul, Siddharth Dani, Nakul, Ajay Bhat and Aditya

Before I make the rest of my additions, I have got to re-org the side bar.

River Moon

If you are a Rahman fan, River Moon is something you should be keenly awaiting. The film, previously known in its pre-controversial days as Water, should be preceded by its soundtrack in the coming months. Even though Netaji, The Rising and Kisna (Ismail Durbar is the lead MD, Rahman is contributing a couple) will also soon evoke the curse of Pip (a.k.a "Great Expectations"), River Moon is different. That's because Rahman says it is 10/10, which is a huge thing for him to say given his levels of modesty - so he won't be kidding with the public.

The unseemly & illogical controversy a few years ago had effectively pushed the score into the cupboard without any reliable hope of it being heard. But seems like the makers always planned to make the movie elsewhere (Sri Lanka as it turned out). Wonder if the internal rumblings of the Sangh Parivar have prevented them from noticing this quiet development or they've just let it be. However, I don't care for the movie much (considering that there's John Abraham & Lisa Ray acting in it - proven models-turned-non-actors so far) - so just give us the songs.

Saying that the hype or expectations will kill this one won't do - after all he started it :-).

Let the games begin

At home and bouncing a small red ball from wall to wall. I haven't done this in a while. At one time, this occupied a lot of my free time. It had several more sophisticated versions. Wall tennis, wall cricket, wall table tennis among many. (Wall tennis is technically solitaire squash, but not if you play for Becker or Ivanisevic.)

There was home football too, sometimes simply consisting of direct free kicks or penalties. But the balls left their mark on the walls, so after they were freshly repainted, I was banned from hiring them for my sporting leagues for a year. This has not been the only attempt to curb the bounce; in Bombay, a neighbour complained about the noise I was making (or so he said) on the common wall, thus ruining one of my better tennis leagues. I had to switch to home basketball (with pelmet niches replacing hoops).

No sport was without commentary or detailed scores. There was inevitably a bit of matchfixing involved if India was playing. I remember tearing out a cricket sheet while playing book-cricket when try as I might, the pages spelt doom for the team. Book-football & "pen game" were the rage in school, with an after hours league. Book-tennis didn't last that long.

The streets are empty - no one plays for timepass any more. Instead, they go to special facilities to become World no. 1.

Darkness

The tragedy of my life was that I couldn't make a living out of that what I was good at. Then I wasn't good enough at that from which I wished to make a living out of. And neither was I really good at that with which I made my living, nor did I really wish to make a living out of it.

The not-so-secret canon of Blatherskite Weisenheimer

Faux News - 9

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

Big banners announce 2005 Diwali dhamaakaas!
By our Bollywood correspondent

Scarcely has the festive season ended that producers have started to look ahead to next year's Diwali. Two big production houses have announced big budget films with grand starcasts.

Leading the pack is the granddad of sentimental romance, Jus Chopper, who revealed he was now making a love story of international proportions. Providing an exclusive preview of the film, he said it would be set in post-war Iraq and post-Bush America. To be called "Mir-Sarah", it documents the "human love pangs between Mir Yasser Hussein (an Iraqi freedom-fighter/terrorist) and Sarah Jane Smith (investigative reporter and the President's niece)". With a tagline of "I'm embedded in your heart", the story is how Mir & Sarah meet in Fallujah, fall in love between two Cruise missile attacks and are separated by the Marines who incarcerate Mir in Guantanomo Bay without any recourse to the Geneva Convention. It takes 22 years before pop group Boney M write a song and help reunite the two.

Mr. Chopper declined to answer how he will obtain permission to shoot in Iraq, but sources have disclosed that Holi-Bartan, a US based production house which is reportedly owned by the US Vice President is a key partner in this Indo-US co-production. Thanks to his influence, mustard & sunflower seeds imported from Punjab have been planted in the shooting locations. This revelation could be an embarrasment for the US administration, for documentary maker Mikael Mealy has threatened to expose this nexus in his upcoming film "Kelvin 273".

The film will feature Sarak Kahn, Julie Robert & Boney M, with Client Westwood & Dana Buster Keaton in cameos.

On the other hand, rival production house "Liberation Arts" has no plans to go international after their recent megastarrer Ate-Rats (the most controversial film ever) featuring the 3Cs: Ax Coumar, Caren Cooper and Pinky Chopper. Instead, they are planning a sequel called Ate-Rats II: the Mouse who came into their home (the second most controversial film ever).

Directors "The-Men-in-Black-and-White" refused to make the disclosure that this film was influenced by the Hollywood hit "Stuart Little". Quashing all rumours, they said this was actually based on a true incident in which Kobe Bryant adopted a mouse. They however confirmed the cast would feature the 3Cs again, Coumar as the adoptive father, Cooper as the adopted mouse and Chopper as the evil cat.

Producer Sue Basch Guy said she was in no hurry to complete the film and hence had allotted a time of one year to the directors. She has much to look forward to in the coming months, with the release of her much-awaited airplane romance "Cessna".

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Click here for a free look at the earlier editions.

Prabhavit Prabhakar

No, it's not yet another corny name for a desi dubbed superhero. It's a term I coined to describe those (including me) who are so influenced by films as to weave them into daily life.

My group at work is particularly susceptible to celluloid of the motion picture kind. Our "prabhavit prabhakar"-ness spills over onto work. Which causes Sujay to break into an impromptu version of "Haa.n jab tak hai jaan" when faced with the question: "can we fight to the end and deliver our code successfully?". Or when asked about the arrival of a new big-shot manager, Parikshit says "Pistol jail me.n aa chuka hai". Or Daemon doing "angry young man" impressions

Understandably, references to "Sholay" dominate, but there are other founts to draw from - comedies like Golmaal or Chasm-e-Baddoor or Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron (any birthday celebrated with cake will see this recalled), recent ones like Lagaan or Jaani Dushman find themselves quoted often. "Angreji" films are also in vogue - every time the printer beeps "Paper Jam", you want to crush it like in "Office Space".

Un-prabhavit prabhakars around us may find us giggling like schoolgirls meeting their chocolate heroes from time to time, but in our defence, crazy things like these keep our sanity intact. For when we are depressed and frustrated, office buildings seem like Shawshank prison and we dream of printing out a poster of Rita Hayworth and start chiselling behind it. In contradiction, I feel that excessive film watching has actually resulting in further addling our minds, by providing it ideas and scenarios which would have never suggested themselves to us any other way.

Probably the most far-fetched filmy imaginary thing to have occured to me was after watching "Kill Bill 1". At a function to celebrate some divisional milestone, there were three people invited to cut the cake and they couldn't (out of modesty) decide who should do the honours. Instantly, I was lost in visions of a deadly battle between the three brandishing swords & daggers in a bloody fight to wrest the prestige of slashing the cake.... (you get the idea).

Warning: There is no redemption for "prabhavit prabhakars". For I am Jack's anti-normal imagination.

Once I could see, now I have cataract

Now an ICC study says that almost every bowler in the history of the game has chucked at one point or another. I'm sure umpires are most befuddled by all of this. The gap between what you see and what it is has never been more complex.

What Judge Potter Stewart famously said now appears to be true of "throwing", for like p0rn0graphy, no one seems to be able to define it, but think they can recognise it only when they see it.

Holy smokes

Here's wishing the "mango makkaL" safe & happy festivities

Try as I might resisting, but a festival day almost demands a post to be dedicated to it. However, Diwali sees a curious lack of enthusiasm from me, and has been so for the last several years. I guess it all started with finding Diwali bang in the middle of the PLs before the semester exams for four continuous years (which quietly hints that I did make it in 4, thank you). Given that it was the time when you discovered the extent of your preparation (or lack of it), the Sivakasi arsenal could be just a pale whimper before the days to come.

I find that the people who plunge into Diwali are ones with a critical mass of relatives or newly wed couples or families with young kids or people away from home filled with nostalgia or students & working chaps with a chance to head home. Since I don't fit into any of the above categories, Diwali is yet another festival holiday. I don't burst crackers, just light the nominal sparkler to mark the occasion. In addition, "Naraka Chaturdashi" is our Diwali day and I work that day, so the Laxmi Puja day is just a day off from work (may not be, considering the state of our product release scheduled for next week).

Not that if I was home on Diwali day, I would do anything special. Sadly, it comes down to what's on the Tamil channels. Sun TV provides a mouth-watering film on Thursday evening, one I've been awaiting for a while. It's late, but it's his latest #1. Sing it now, in chorus:

B - to - the - A - to - the - B - to - the - A!

B-A-B-A!!!

That's right ladies & gentlemen, time for the "|..|" mudra (a.k.a "|,,|") !!.

For those who came in late, Baba was Rajnikant's last film, released in Aug 2002. Apparently, even Rajini fans couldn't save the film. Which makes it even more appealing in my mind. Fret not, Superstar fans, I have nothing against him (he's actually a classic case of fettered & frittered potential) and his formulaic themes are quite entertaining. But I fear it's going to be Thanksgiving rather than Diwali, for Baba is reportedly quite the turkey. But his fans and well-wishers hope it's all gatam, gatam. #2

F5 your memory with:

* My (unfair) views on the film, even without having seen it.

* A splendid review elsewhere

notes
0. This post was dedicated to Rahul Srinivas who would love watching this film if he was here
1. One of Baba's trademark catchphrases from this film
2. Yet another signature toon from this film

See, that's how we laugh, innit?

The best part about British sitcoms (especially those from the BBC's stable) was that you could find one (or many) to suit your own sense of humour, for they spanned a large variety of topics & comedy styles. From the witty & highbrow to the fairly raunchy, they had it all.

There's been a revival of these comedies for me thanks to the large DVD collection that the local British Library has made available for its members. Thanks to a timely investment in a DVD player, some of us have wasted no time in raiding the larder for films & TV series. I got to catch up with some old favourites.

The first BBC comedy I ever saw was Yes Minister that DD so paternally screened. I didn't get any of the jokes then and wondered why (and who) was laughing from time to time. The situation improved a little when the pre-commercialised Star Plus had a British comedy every weeknight. IIRC, the sequence was Yes Minister (and then Yes Prime Minister), Some mothers do 'ave 'em, Are you being served, 'Allo 'Allo and Porridge. The "mega-serial" monster was just beginning to bite moms & dads on all the regional channels (resulting in the ultimate downfall of Star Plus as well), so I didn't get to see all these sitcoms all the time.

I got Porridge & borrowed Yes Minister from Sujay, so I'm having a good time watching one episode daily. The books Yes Minister & Yes Prime Minister are must-haves, for the quality of writing is brilliant with some of the most elegant puns I have ever encountered.

Going back to the sitcoms, I have thoroughly enjoyed the likes of the brilliant Blackadder (now that's what revisionist history should be like) and Fawlty Towers among others. The BBC has a detailed list (link) of all its comedies and it was interesting to note that Only Fools and Horses was voted its best ever comedy. (Link to the top 10)

Makes you wish that we had a rich tradition of interesting comedy on our domestic TV circuits as well instead of the phoney & poorly derivative stuff whose only purpose is to provide employment to laughing jackasses on their soundtracks.

And that's why you don't walk

From Cricinfo's bulletin of today's match:

"Kaif had survived a vociferous appeal for a catch behind early on – Gilchrist had words when he didn't walk"

Taking the word of the correspondent (as I didn't see the match - boo hoo), I wonder if Kaif didn't ask Gilchrist to go and stuff himself. I am a huge fan of Gilchrist, but here he was way out of line. No need to expect others to walk if you do it, that too only as a personal policy that even most members of your own team are loath to follow.

In the end, every run made a difference and if Kaif had not let the umpire do his job, India would have lost. Perhaps Gilly was just a little frustrated with the pitch and possibility (then) of defeat in a tight match. Mike Brearley in his Art of Captaincy spells out the difference between "walking" and "claiming a catch falsely" and he is right.

Year of elections

I guess elections happen in various countries each year but this year was easily one where several high profile elections took place. The world's largest democracy in terms of population, the most influential, two of the biggest nations by area, some of the most controversial and other nations, big or small.

This year we had India, Canada, Australia, the US, Malaysia, Indonesia, Afghanistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Nauru, Spain, Tunisia and if we consider it, the European Union.

Care for a smoke?

Anyone driving down Senapati Bapat Road in the evenings will notice the pallor of smog hanging heavy all around. Usually noticeable in winter, but this time it has been more pronounced than I can remember despite the surprising rainshower a day ago. The area is now the focus of intense construction activity on the roads and with the massive office buildings coming up, so there is a heavy penetration of dust all around.

I suppose everyone feared this was going to happen with the rapid expansion gobbling up open spaces all around the area and the pounding pressure of vehicles pouring onto the University Road from the 4+1 roads leading into it. The neat stretch of roadway, the uncluttered spaces in parts of the area and walk-worthy hill are more memory than reality now. Despite being prepared for this given the signs, it still makes you wistful now that it has actually happened. Being a hub of IT infrastructure isn't worth the cost from some angles.

Double Double-you

Despite a book, a movie and several other efforts by Michael Moore and colleagues, Bush is President and the Reps won almost every major contest by a margin. Probably all his virulent opponents succeeded in doing was to awake several of the dormant Republican faithful and get them to the booths.

The message I take from the election results (not being affected nor influencing it directly) is one of hope. Look at this: a man who was a proven failure till about a decade ago in all that he attempted (plus a drinking habit to boot) in the final analysis is now a two time President of the most influential country in the world, and he did it relatively easily in the end. It's a lesson in sticking out there inspite of all the setbacks in life if nothing else. Of course, it helps to have lots of money, influence & a set of high ranking relatives, but it's also a question of fortune. Which even history will not be able to deny that POTUS #43 had plenty of that.

The curious incident of the boy in the night time

Warning: may contain ingenuous stereotyping

About a month ago, I had occasion to attend a Sindhi wedding of a former colleague. If memory serves me right, this was my first North Indian wedding after my post-hOsh sambhaalanaa (someone has to invent a proper English synonym for this phrase). Previous to that I had only done the Tamil/Maharashtrian/generic ceremonies, so I couldn't help but shiver at the possibility of being placed in the midst of Hum aapke hain kaun or Monsoon Wedding. But at the apparent insistence of the groom, it was a more subdued affair, and as it happened we didn't quite participate in the hardcore religious rites.

The problem at such ceremonies that gives me the creeps is the insistence of having to dance. Martin Henderson could take some tips from me in this cross-cultural shock. It simply isn't in my blood to shed inhibition and give windmill-impersonations. I am used to sleepy & distinguished looking mamas in their silk vEshTiis and maamis discussing pa.TTu puDavais in mellow voices. We conduct weddings, in comparison to our northern brethren, in almost funereal tones. It would give me quite a shock to see a beloved aunt doing the latest disco number. But North Indian shaadis aren't so repressive, which is fine by me. As long as they leave me alone. (Side note: when invited to "northie" weddings, people like me do one of two things: (a) they, being in a place where no maami is within a 300 km radius, let their hair down and produce the most hilarious leg-shaking routines known to the animal kingdom, or (b) they try and blend into the background waiting for the dinner queues to plunge into).

But this is not about me. This is about every Sindhi mother's worst nightmare. A sort of "Rosemary's baby" for the Ramchandanis.

'Twas a pre-wedding ring ceremony. The night was clear and pleasant. Among great festivity, the rings were exchanged between the beaming groom & bride. Aha! What was this? Sections of a floor beside the stage started to light up. I don't know what the technical term for them is, but squares of light in different colours went red-green-yellow, indicating that the dance floor was open for the taking. Also my cue to make myself scarce. From a distance we observed. People were yet getting warmed up and were generally milling around. Which is when the action (or lack of it as we shall see) began.

Every other wildlife programme on Animal Planet consists of mommy birds teaching their young to fly and lionesses expounding on the art of swatting deer to attentive cubs. One lady in the party evidently had corresponding ideas. Her young heir was cajoled onto the empty floor to get some basics in the long tradition in the performing arts. She had a camcorder to record his first dance steps. What happened next would astound all of us.

You see, the kid simply refused to budge an inch. It would be fair to say that the Rock of Gibraltar ceded its #1 spot to him. Mum attributed it to a nascent stage fear that few in the khaandaan had exhibited before. The music began and soon picked up a tempo that had even my legs tapping. But our young hero moved not. He could've been method acting for a role as the Fevicol Dabbaa, that's how firmly he stood his ground. Mum shut the 'corder and came over closer. Words were said but to no avail.

An elderly relative, who had no doubt seen this rare strain of non-performance in the past, came over. Together they tried to move his little legs, but the child on his own refused to generate any self-locomotion. Mum sighed and her hanky hid her feelings. They tried a mass movement to dispel the lack of disco spell. Girls filled the floor and jived away to the latest hits. But our boy stood beside the turning deck - immovable, unyielding, with magnetic feet on iron floor. He stood like that for 15 minutes, fully concentrating on preserving his inertia, which was obviously dear to him.

Mum was a picture of stoicism. But her mind raced. O God, how could this happen to him? It must've been something on the husband's side, some latent streak that had been hushed up at the time of the marriage. How would she survive this embarrassment? As she pondered on this, all around her, balding grandads & toothless grannies along with mums & dads who'd rocked discotheques in their youth and kids of all descriptions rushed past her to display jhaTakaas & maTakaas of total enjoyment.

It isn't quite clear what happened next. I'd like to think that Mum went back to the nursing home and demanded to know if there'd been a switch. If any Tamil Iyer moms near the Agra area are puzzled by their little son's eagerness to shake a leg at the drop of a hat, they may want to get in touch with her.

Selection of the fittest

Wheels turn, time flies, runs flow, wickets fall. It hasn't happened in a long while, definitely not as frequently as it used to, but now Indian cricket finds itself in a spot of bother that wouldn't be so alien to it.

Scribes, especially those inclined to emotional descriptions of the previous day's play, will be calling for refills of hemlock. Obit composers will turn their attention to the sports pages for a change. The public will exchange glances of "told-you-so". Nothing like a mortifying loss to energise a mythic population of "knowledgeable cricket fans".

Irrespective of what happens at the Wankhede, most will classify the current series as a debacle. Like the all out attack philosophy of Steve Waugh has been swapped for a less in-your-face but a more smiling efficiency by the visitors, this series could finally spell doom for the home captain's long held doctrine of selection policy, viz. to retain players at all costs. I have always had my reservations against an obdurate philosophy of holding on to players in a team even if they were out of form. However, this is not to suggest that the principle has been a failure, only that it doesn't apply anymore as much as it used to.

Undoubtedly Ganguly's biggest rules has been to back people that he believes have talent. And back he did, to the hilt, often abrasively. The successes of Harbhajan Singh, Sehwag ,Yuvraj & Zaheer in the one-dayers at various times have inspired some of India's most famous wins, and can be rightly attributed to an attitude of confidence undoubtedly derived from the captain's beliefs.

An upward graph had meant that the idea was working, and Ganguly seems to have had what very few captains before him had been able to both demand and obtain: teams entirely of his own. But the principle came with its pitfalls. This seems to have worked best with youngsters of appreciable talent, but less and less with settled players. When a player has had a bright track record & reasonable experience, he is expected to shoulder the burdens that the fickle mistress of form provides. However, with this team, an inverse of the policy, i.e. dropping a player on poor form came to be equated with a vote of no-confidence against the player, instead of merely recognising the need for playing the best in-form players at the team's disposal. A case in the point was the overlooking of Kaif in the first Test at Bangalore inspite of clear indications in the previous months that he was probably the only player striking it in the middle. Repeatedly persisting with Zaheer Khan has meant being a bowler short for a while, though his return to what looks like some form is again a nod to Ganguly's ideas. Every critic atleast has to doff his hat to the strength of the man's faith.

Just how many out-of-form players can be accomodated in the team is a question to ponder. The hard decisions must be taken, for Test matches should not be fought simply on good HR policies. The failure to recognise the lack of winnability has hurt a team that has been lucky or has had the depth (whichever way you look at it) for a couple of individuals to discover an unlikely ejection seat to be rid of peril in the past.

The position that there were too many players out of touch is doubly weak: for not only do you concede that there were too many men in a squad who were unlikely to make a difference, you also reveal a lack of bench strength. Interestingly, India have not suffered this in the bowling department, a traditional Achilles heel. More by fortune than by design, injuries & lack of form has thrown up a regular pool of fairly competent pace bowlers. Kartik was able to fill in, but another spinner would have been tough to nab. The batting, with all its resplendence in the last few years, has in some ways been its worst enemy, for there has hardly been the need to blood newer players. Plus given the selection doctrine, out of form players were shielded until they got back to producing the sweet sound with the meat of the bat.

Indian selectorial politics were a little dormant, atleast in the public eye for some while. I'm afraid that the dice is now loaded back in favour of the wise men from Indian cricket's own cardinal points, and that Ganguly will find his authority, if not his captaincy, eroded considerably. A free-speaking, not to mention openly vituperative, Kirti Azad has fired his shots aimed ostensibly at the 'keeper (while at the same time being quite reluctant to answer questions on the early part of his terms). Thus revealing that hardly anything has changed when it comes to politics & cricket. It may be a little flippant to say that Ganguly has been "Pawared", but if the Maharashtra strongman has lost two political battles in quick succession, the Maharaja from Behala would do well to watch out.

A new coat of paint is usually preferred to hide cracks in structures, and that is likely to happen at Mumbai. But will the behemoth that is Indian cricket pull again in the same direction as it did for easily the most successful era in its history, or will we go around in circles, big or small, in a way reminiscent of what until the other day seemed the Dark Ages?

Let me say no

Some bloggers have this "mood" indicator on their blogs. If I had one, this post would be preceded by a note saying "extremely pissed off" mixed with large doses of "fuming".

One of the biggest weapons that one can have in the social armoury is the ability to say no, whether to refuse or to reject. For people are forever being taken advantage of. I find that the nudniks who put me in the position of having to say no vehemently usually have one large cannon firing - they are adamant in their badgering and they think it as merely being persistent. It seems to constitute the major chunk of their negotiation strategy - pester, and infinitely so.

To which the pestered will usually cave in, not possessing the same obduration as the blistering barnacle. This is where we err. If it comes down to a battle of wills, then we must learn to match their staying power. We give up merely because we want to be rid of the nuisance (several requests turn into precisely this, and no words must be minced here). The opposing party takes this as further proof of his/her persuasion, which is precisely why I think one must relinquish all sha.rm-O-hayaa and slug it out. Which is a policy I had some success at over the last couple of years, for earlier I found myself doing too many things I should never have agreed to, just to please or most often, to avoid "straining of relations".

But there still remain some who cannot be wished away like this. In the above policy, you have to risk losing some amount of politeness. "Be firm" is alright in books. So to some people, you cannot always easily turn your back. You know them somewhat or their feelings will be hurt or some third person you know will take this refusal unpleasantly etc. What I cannot get is the inability of these educated and sophisticated people to accept refusals. How do they know what is good for you or what you ought to do? Really, these social niceties cannot be taught. They must learn that getting someone to agree to them after badgering them hardly counts as a victory. Half the time, the end in question is to put up appearances. I say that even if it was good for me, I wouldn't mind missing out if I didn't want to do it.

It's all fine telling me to learn how to say no, but who will teach these people to learn to accept a "no"? They push the limits, but we idiots cannot - we have to maintain proprieties, including those that they have not. Add emotional blackmail to the pot. You force us to lie as a result, and every time in the future, I'll avoid you like the plague. A more frank world would be less socially amenable, but I'll vote for that today. The only people who are allowed to push us to do something that they think would be good for us would be close relatives & friends. And even they cannot do it all the time. Why don't we listen, really listen to the guy screaming "no" silently!

Thus ends intelligible, general, semi-cathartic rant.

roman X Is The spanish Bow

Over the last four weeks, a very curious phenomenon was recorded by disbelieving career counsellors. They found that more children had said they wanted to be "orthopaedists" than known before, marking the highest percentage increase for any "dream profession" in India since 1974 (where the vocation "angry young man" was popular). Not surprising, for Indian superstars have long influenced not only career choices, but also knowledge of the human anatomy. If there ever was such an award, the Gray's Prize for Improving Knowledge of the Body would go to Sachin Tendulkar.

If this award had been there for a few years, then Sachin would have won this award more than once, surely back (pun intended?) in 1999. Such is the power of the Indian star, whatever field he may be in. Sometimes, I feel that Warholian theories of "15 minutes of fame" must also extend to body parts. But on reflection, I find that, like in life, some have more fame than others.

Cricket fans will be familiar, to the point of being extremely pally, with the likes of the hamstring and the groin. Some may even boast of more than a nodding acquaintance with the webbing (when, employing a "tennis" prefix as is fashionable, it can become the "Ivanisevic" webbing). The keenest may sneer at these and hold intimacy of the "rotator cuff" as a distinction between the pundit and the rest (whom he considers part of the crowd of hoodlums who're there for the bottle throwing). But it truely takes the star to popularise an anatomical adjunct to front page news.

You don't believe me? Oh, you're one of those who wants stats, I see. I'll give you one, Vitalstatistix. Google's Zeitgest reported a sudden increase in search results containing the word "tennis" in the last month. Only Maria Sharapova's Wimbledon crown in July motivated more numbers of Web searches this year (which gives the ITF something to think about - now they need cricketers to make tennis popular). Hardly anyone knows what the tennis elbow is (and I'm one of them), but it's become the in-thing, the prefix of choice. There may be nothing official about it, and it certainly has no feel-good factor associated with it, but it just caught on nevertheless.

Among past hall-of-famers has been the good old Sachin "back". Beckham's something too. How about Vajpayee's knee? Going back about 20 years, Amitabh (and Puneet) made the mid-riff popular, and any kid born in the 60s can still describe the technical differences between the spleen and the diaphragm. Poor Ricky Ponting has to come to India one Test early to get his thumb some footage for nobody gave it a damn in Hobart.

Ending as usual with a few dirty puns, this blog makes no bones about the fact that the print world merely makes hay while the pun shines. A column has to elbow its way among all competition in a 5-mile radius to tickle the funny bone, which cannot be done as a knee-jerk reaction. Armed to the teeth, it has to muscle its way into your eyeballs but will at the end, desist from being the proverbial kabaab-me.n-haDDi between the doctor and his patient.

This blogger sincerely apologises for making humorous mileage of other people's misfortunes, and wishes the celebrities and their specialists well. He knows how they really feel, having suffered a debilitating sporting injury to the right index finger playing Minesweeper, and merely wants to cheer them up

MMI-V: the book

Went and got my copy of Mastermind India Five. Part of the interest is to see what questions from my set weren't asked during the round (due to paucity of time). Also, I can catch up on the one episode that I missed out on, even when it was repeated.

Also, a happy memoir with the names of several friends/acquaintances. MMI-5 curiously had so many people I knew, so it'll be a good reminder.

Why you need not use IE

First things first: this is not an anti-Microsoft tirade. Notice that I don't say you *shouldn't* use IE. There are no moral arguments being made here. This is simply and plainly, a recommendation for switching to alternatives, or more specifically, to spread the word about Mozilla's Firefox browser.

This isn't about displaying tech savviness. I know several people in the software profession who do not use Firefox. I find that on most occasions this is because of plain ignorance. Which is fine. For I'm willing to bet that most people would switch to Firefox from MS Internet Explorer if they knew what was different. So this is a small effort to acquaint people with Firefox and giving you the knowledge to make a choice.

The Help of Firefox has a very clever little page listing the differences (of which many are improvements really) between Firefox & IE. Here are some of them, to which I have added other points:

* Tabbed Browsing: Instead of opening a separate browser window for each site you want to visit, you can open multiple sites within the same window and tab between them. This is the one major difference for most users.

* Pop-up Window Controls: Lets you allow or suppress both popup and popunder windows.. Go back to plain IE after using this for a while and feel the difference.

* Download Manager: Manages all your downloading for you.

* Extensions: Once you are into Firefox full-time, you can choose different extensions (that people contribute) that do a variety of little things. One such is Adblock - something you can so train as to do away with a variety of java/shockwave/image ads. My Rediff or Cricinfo views are now less cluttered as a result. Another popular extension is the ability to add searches for a variety of sites, such as Google | IMDB | Wikipedia etc.

* Searching: A search textbox appears as part of the browser - you don't have to get a Google toolbar (whose privacy issues can be a little discomforting)

* Clean & light: The interface is neat and simple, and you can make it more complicated only if you wish. It also seems "light" (an intangible quality that is somewhat akin to a similar property of one's stomach). It also seems faster

* Easy to install

* Customizable: i.e. make it behave the way you want to. Themes are often available that change the appearance of the browser

* Relatively secure: Considering that miscreants prefer going after IE vulnerabilities (of which a lot has been said in the past). Is open source (which can be a double-edged sword), so if you believe in that philosophy, even more reason.

* Goodies: Hidden here and there (ok, I added this to make a list of 10 :-)). But it does provide a way to get support for RSS Feeds and more. And you have multi-platform versions. And if you have Firefox, type "about:mozilla" in your location bar and hit enter.

Now even the most ardent proponent of IE would not be able to wave away most of these improvements. You can get add-on *ware that provide these additional features on top of IE, but with Firefox, you get them all together. Plus why use a browser that steadfastly refuses to provide these cool features de rigeur ? In my opinion, the only reason most people use IE is because it comes bundled with their copy of Windows. Awareness of alternatives would, I think, definitely lead to users switching over. Perhaps you could choose Opera, but it has ads in its free version.

There is no doubt that most Windows based users still use IE - stats from websites (look at this blog's stats link if you want a quick comparison) clearly show that. But provided access & information, there is no reason why people wouldn't switch. If you still don't want to move over, you might as well turn up at Wimbledon today in long sleeved shirts and trousers with a wooden racket. Or opt for a hand-cranked Ford only because it came free with the house, when you could be driving the latest SUV which is also free. Now sadly, several web content providers put out stuff that is IE-friendly (which in many cases is inimical to other browsers). In that case, it's not really your fault. Even software organisations show such myopia in their in-house software tools, which really is unfortunate. But this is no longer the prevalent landscape (or so one would like to think).

This reminds me of the debates between Infinite Rebounds & Direct-and-Passing: almost anyone who has experienced the former will prefer it over the antiquated version, for the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages. Still, several people still stick to D&P in some sort of extremist zeal, which I find puzzling. I'm afraid I'm digressing there, but unless someone can prove the efficacy of the D&P over IR, and show that IE is better than Firefox, I will remain opponents of both.

It comes down to inertia in the end. Break it. Switch to Firefox. Give it a try.

shEr-é-Hindustaan

It was hot. Heat with pincers. We had just bounced our way to Fatehpur Sikri, one time capital of the Mughals. The physical discomfort was nothing compared to what was to follow. As soon as we arrived within 300m of the steps to the Buland Darwaaza, we were hounded by locals wanting to guide us through the ruins. Even after repeated refusals, increasingly point-blank and rude inspite of ourselves, we continued to be followed and pursued like some renegade governor was by the emperor's men. It was as close to non-contact assault as possible. Sadly, a manifestation of the desparate economic conditions of the area, but in that heat when people are so relentless, then you lose your head a little and don't mind not being historically educated.

Our pursuers finally tired of us and went off in search of the mandatory Japanese/NRI tourists. A little round of the inner courtyard later which consisted of fighting off sellers of chaadar, dOr & assorted memorabilia, and a visit to Salim Chisti's Dargah, we deposited ourselves by the shade watching the wheels of unorganised tourism roll by. It was then that this happened:

Cast of characters: Sridhar, Anupam and moi. Little boy and tinier-almost-infinitesmal brother.

INT. By the courtyard. S-A-M are sitting, a little pensively.

L.B.: Saab, shEr sunOgE? Sirf paa.nch rupayE.
S-A-M (blinking, a little disbelief at what they just heard.): Kyaa? Nahi.n, nahi.n.
L.B.: Me.n nahi.n saab, yeh (points to T-A-I-Bro) sunaa_Egaa.
S-A-M (now beginning to be amused at this novel sales pitch): Eh? Yeh? Yeh kyaa shEr sunaa_Egaa! Nahi.n chaahiyE
L.B. (pulling out the secret weapon in his marketing armoury): Saab, sun liiji_E saab. Yeh dil dhaDakaadegaa!

At which point we just convulsed into laughter!

Postscript
Despite that fabulous USP, we didn't take up the offer. Later, we were hunted down by many mini-wannabe-Ghalibs, but the first one was easily the most memorable...

U.P.S
Seems like a lot of bloggers are recounting conversations these days!

On sEvai and the little pleasures of home cuisine

I don't even know why I want to write this post, but I somehow just had to record my appreciations for the relatively obscure food item called sEvai. Also, I guess non-Tams haven't really heard, let alone tasted this local preparation, so here is some free education for those who haven't.

I don't know how to define it perfectly: to call it a variety of "noodles" would not convey the correct image, and will in all likelihood led you into a side street. But it is noodle-like in that it's made up of long strands (of rice flour), but it has not the thickness or the discrete-ness of the Italian or the Maggi kind. These strands tend to bunch up together and please note: we do not slurp them up one by one.

(But before further exploration: is sEvai wholly indigenous to the Tamils? Right now, I assume so.)

Many people may have heard of the iDiyaapam, and many of those many people think that dish is the same as the sEvai. Apparently, that's not true. After a brief and highly technical discussion on the subject with my mother, I came up with one certain fact: they are not the same. There, I'm afraid, we shall have to leave it.

So what is special about this sEvai, the more impatient among you ask. Well, not much if you have epicurean tendencies of the kind who generally tongue-roll your wine before you eat. But usually, it tastes good. For you see, it isn't eaten by itself, but it is mixed with adequate quantities of mOr kuzamb.u (well, no, that doesn't look so good in English transliteration, and yes, we've heard all the "Give me mOr" jokes). Now, for your lexicon, mOr is buttermilk and kuzamb.u, is, ah... well it is like saambaar but not like it as well. To simplify things, it is a "liquid" dish (for want of a better description) and is eaten usually in conjunction with rice. (Now that I've got grammar in, perhaps it is like a verb is to a noun) (Editor: Terrible analogy).

Now the mOr kuzamb.u isn't sweet, but tends towards the sour due to the buttermilk. It has the usual elements to spice it up: mustard seeds, kaDi pattaa, coconut et al. You mix the sEvai up with this kuzamb.u and serve it up with a fried appaLam (not the Lijjat PaapaD types, but the Ambika Appalam types).

But this is not the best part. Now, it takes a lot of effort to prepare the sEvai. That's because the rice flour is prepared into iDli-like cakes, then stuffed down a specific apparatus whose container is then compressed from above by a spiral press to produce the thin strands that the sEvai is made up of. It takes some effort and in our home, it takes two people - one to press down and one to hold the naazi (as it is called) still. Doing enough to produce copious amounts of sEvai takes all evening, so it forms the nightly supper. But you do not eat it all at once.

That's right, you mix the rest of the sEvai and some kuzamb.u up and leave them all night to get familiar. The result is a slightly sour but extremely tasty (vintage & mature, some may say) dish for breakfast. Add a little warm kuzamb.u to unset the dryness, and off you go to the accompaniment of the appaLam crackle. I didn't like this form when I was young, but now I do - it takes some growing up to realise that, I guess.

Because the preparation takes some time to make, sEvai is a once-in-a-while special, atleast at home. There are variants, most popular being a lemon flavour (eaten dry usually) which I mostly detest.

Now I remember why I thought of all this. I dunno if there's anyone in my generation taking notes from their mums to keep this recipe going. As it is, people seemed to show a marked disaffection for anything that takes over 5 minutes to make, so I fear the sEvai is a little doomed. It is a little sad to think that people may not be relishing the taste of this simple dish in a generation's time, so I really hope someone's listening and watching when the sEvai comes swirling out.

Notes:

* A quick web search yielded very few results, of which none had pictures (you'll have to use your imagination). Amudha's Tamil Cooking Page has a recipe, but it says sEvai is the same as the iDiyaapam, so I'm not so sure. As it usually is, the tricks probably vary from home to home.
* For Tamil-readers, a guide to Tamil ITrans is here, non-Tams will mostly not know what to make of the "z" sound, so please collar the nearest language expert.
* Well, this quarter's sEvai has been made, so I have no samples to share.
* No, I don't think this is usually available in hotels.
* No, it's not the same as semiyaa a.k.a semolina
* I don't know how good the instant sEvai versions are
* More aware Tamilians are encouraged to point out the numerous factual inaccuracies or share in some nostalgic mouth-watering activities.

Prejudiced about the Bride

If you think this is a bald attempt to cash in on the seething resentment against Bride and Prejudice, well, you are right :-). I think this episode is providing some very interesting points of interest that I wanted to milk.

First it was BVHK's fist-waving (in full gory detail), then Navneet's lament and now Daemon's first-hand account that led to some speculation in certain quarters that the stomach upset that's kept him down could've been partially caused by the viewing. To cut a long story short, B&P (subtitled: Baap re Baap) is not coming off a hit among blogging circles.

I usually pride myself on having a decent radar that can spot such "turkeys". If you will lend me an ear, I will, in my best Holmesian impression lead you to the "singular" clues that pointed to this earlier in the story:

* NRI interpretations of Punjabi culture (admittedly the only such film that ever worked was Bend it like Beckham - but that's like saying we can always win after following-on)

* The presence of the Anna Kournikova of Indian films (atleast so far): Ms. Rai (not wanting to crib, but frankly, seeing Gurinder Chadha market this film with that as her primary USP was a sign).

* More tellingly, the presence of Meghana Kothari (of whose "cobra dance" I've heard a lot of and believe it has in itself to be be the next big "cult-ic" item - a JaDe item song perhaps). MK who? Remember Prem Aggan (known in some quarters as "Prem Ugh-an")? She played the female lead.

* Several songs by Anu Malik (who claimed here that people were being "completely bowled over by it". He must be a googly bowler).

Ok, enough aimless disparaging. Yes, I haven't seen the film. But seeing the amount of negative reviews, I feel I'm missing out on something. This is definitely the one film that people are going to huddle together and take apart. Even Shobhaa De hates it. That has stoked my curiosity like nothing else.

On a more sombre note - one more lost to the vast vacuous recesses of commercial banality?

More hum-blog

Some more friends who're tapping away at their keyboards:

Abhishek (whom I always forget to link, apologies for the time it's taken :-)
Kunal T (a.k.a the other Kunal, unless if he was the original Kunal)
Nikhil Marathe (regular partner-in-crime and one of the few bloggers I know who blogs in Marathi - tough thing to do given the current posting mechanisms)

The Media & the Moolah

Now that the Indian batsmen are flopping in a way that John Kerry would be partly proud of, the media has decided to get their knives out. Last week, prominent newspapers and TV channels pulled out calculations to see how many runs the big batsmen were making per their salaries. Which I find absolutely disgusting.

Most people appear to be scandalised by the wages the cricketers make, and are annoyed by the numerous ads these players appear in. It's all swept aside when the national team wins, but otherwise more fingers are pointed at income statements than in the IT department. I find it repellent because the cricketers are not salaried employees of the tax-payers; if we give our money to them indirectly, we do so voluntarily by watching the sport and buying products that the companies believe they help to sell. We are welcome to take our interest & our cash elsewhere if we chose. I don't understand what right any T, D & H has to self-righteously wonder if these guys are worth the money they make. The BCCI pays them what it thinks is reasonable, so do the companies whose products they endorse. I understand that there is a national stake in cricket and its interests must be protected, but I don't see these interests being sacrificed by the particular argument of how much money players make. Ultimately, how much money the BCCI makes will depend on how well the team plays. Remember also that cricketers aren't taking money away from other sportsmen, for the corporate rupee will go where the corporates decide.

I wonder how no one asks how filmstars get paid equally obscene (if you consider it that way) amounts for mostly low quality products and most importantly why people don't debate with more fervour the appalling working standards of our political representatives & government servants where indeed it's our money being squandered. Cricketers continue to remain soft targets for the media who get more and more obnoxious each passing year. They like to fuel astronomical expectations and play jealous executioner as well. I'd like each reporter to end his report with the salary he's making, to give me a chance to work out if he's really worth the words-per-rupee he's making, and if not, to make a racket about it.

DD's Comedy Show

Perhaps I was the only one rejoicing at the prospect of Doordarshan bagging telecast rights to the India-Australia Test Series. For this meant the lip-smacking prospect of the most hilarious TV show on earth, Fourth Umpire.

Monty Python would've come up a sorry second against it, the Marx Bros. would've converted to Maoism, and Chaplin would've thrown away his hat & moustache and retire knowing that nothing he could do would match its heights. The regular cast of Charu Sharma in the lead with his two able lieutenants in Atul Wassan and Krish Srikkanth are the only men in the world to possess only funny bones in their body.

When you watch them, prepare to give your tummy a workout. When Krish Srikkanth says "Noe Noe! This yndian team has every chance to win wonly if Billie Bouden would stop pointing to the skie", you marvel at his sense of comic timing. Atul Wassan's counter punches as a sad-faced ex-medium pacer evoke great humour in sharp contrast to "Chika". Charu Sharma is the funny man who plays it straight, raising a laugh with his keen insights on excessive over-ultra happy appealing by the Indians in the face of defeat. His great comedic talents lie in the fact that he keeps an upbeat face even though everyone else would've lost all remaining hair & sliced off both ears at the mindless (actually ribticklingly funny, mind you) drivel churned out in which ever commentary panel he has to anchor. Which also proves that he isn't an incarnation of the tortured Van Gogh.

But as time goes by, the producers of this epic DD show feel the need for change. They take resort in the greatest television tactic of the last ten years by introducing what is colloquially known as the "Sports B@be".

But, as we all are aware, one of the D's in DD stands for "Different"^*. Unlike other channels who like to invite uninformed TV stars or failed movie item girls, DD prefers a considerably-more-ignorant, completely obscure daughter-of-the-soil. Stringent selection consists of getting all the answers to the true-false questions "Is John Wright usually wrong, According to the Bible, Adam bowled a maiden over at the Eden Gardens and A batsman can be declared out if he makes faces at the short-leg fielder" wrong. The duties of the "Sports B@be" in "Fourth Umpire" essentially consists of remembering the names of the co-panelists, the (full) phone number for asking questions and answering trivia teasers, and being able to read from pre-written "ad-lib" notes written in 20-pt size fonts.

Like a nervous batsman making his debut, the latest DD "B@be" was introduced on the fourth day's play, sitting at the corner to the right of Charu. In her anxiety, she forgot the remaining 8 digits of the DD number (luckily Charu remembered this), asked if India should enforce the follow-on (sadly, I'm making this up) and was forced into a false stroke by the DD typist who rendered the trivia question "Which of the following batsmen scored a hundred on debut against India" as "... debut in India".

By far the most important role of the "B@be" is to profess undying optimism in the face of unparalleled devastation. When the scoreboard reads "India needs 353 to win with 1 wicket in hand" and you ask her who will win, she will say India with a fair & lovely smile. That earns her a performance bonus directly proportional to the losing margin. (In fact, one of the earliest known sports "B@bes" assured US field hockey fans that the team would win the 1932 L.A. Olympics clash with the Indians despite being down by a bit)

Thanks to the BCCI, I can look forward to more of the adventures of Charu & the Boys & the Sports B@be in the next three Tests. I pray to God to give the lower orders of both teams enough hydration to pile on 200 runs each so to push each match into its fifth day to enable me to get my daily shot of stomach-churning comedy.

Note: The other D is usually perceived to stand for "Distressing" among other possibilities

RGV & Pune

Not for the trivially disinclined

I don't know what affiliation Ram Gopal Varma has with Pune, but there have been quite a few references to this city, mostly in passing, in films directed or produced by him. Recall Kaun (I forget the exact reference, but I remember Manoj Bajpai mention it), Ek Hasina Thi (Sarika Vartak's parents are in Pune), Ab Tak Chappan (Sadhu Agashe is given an errand to do there). Now Vaastushastra's trailers obliquely refer to the city in a shot of a milestone.

AdSense question

This one is for fellow "Blogger" users. I'm sure, like me, you would have seen an invite to add AdSense. I wonder if anyone's tried to add this? Any potential problems etc?

Faux News - 8

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

Page Three does not cut it with paper recyclers
By our Media correspondent

In a strange controversy, paper recyclers in the city are nonplussing sellers with their discriminatory paper rates. The neighbourhood "raddee" shop will now offer you much lower rates for city supplements of a certain newspaper.

Traditionally, paper recyclers offer greater rates on English newspapers over vernacular editions because of better paper quality. However, recently the Pricing committee of the city recyclers association has decided to offer lowered rates on English papers that contain popular city supplements which feature "Page Three" type news. Speaking exclusively to this correspondent, Mr. K. A. Agaji (spokesman for the association) said this was because of fierce opposition from the "Bhel & Other Puris Organisation" whose members were principal consumers of used newspapers. Apparently, the BOPO finds it difficult and embarassing to sell bhel and chana in cones adorned with sizzling snaps of the latest "item" actresses, for families in turn are their main consumer base. These families at the end of the marketing chain are averse to corrupting their children with the same, and the whole shockwave has rippled up to strike at the rates of the "raddeewaalaas".

When contacted, the PRO for the newspaper was nonchalant, claiming that it didn't have any readers in the bhel-eating segment and anyway, their faithful readers preferred to cut out the supplement ("collector's issues" as he described it) instead of selling it where it would be fingered (sic) by some greasy purveyor of cheap snacks. He also offered to run this very interesting story on their First Page with other human interest stories such as the model who sacrificed her all to bring back the trend of bell-bottoms with polka-dots and the TV actress who discovered a cheaper alternative to glycerine.

Right now, the middle class seems the most miffed, but as Mrs. Teena Paan, a faithful reader, put it, she'd wait for direction from the popular celebrities in their responses to the weekly poll on such issues.

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Marathi cinema looks up

Two Marathi films, Shwaas and Saat_chya Aat Gharaat, have set the box office registers (atleast in Pune) ringing for the last few months, and have produced a possibility of urban Marathi cinema finding commercial stability on its own. This is highly welcome of course, for the film fraternity here boasts of some good actors, technicians & creators, but that hasn't always coalesced into cinema that is both critically acclaimed as well as monetarily viable. These two films, however, have threatened to change all of that.

One may argue that in Amol Palekar's Anaahat began the upward trend. Like it, these two films also benefited from tremendous word-of-mouth publicity (Shwaas now is springboarding on its awards and Oscar entry status). All three films had a certain boldness in their story content that merits applause, for they also boast of good production values and above average quality acting. For Marathi cinema, this is a huge break from the inspid family-sentimentality and slapstick-rural-comedies that tended to plague most plots. The makers of these new films are now taking advantage of a "multiplex" crowd that wants to see alternative cinema in their language, and are able to use the depth of artists that the theatre circuit has always supported.

Incidentally, both films are set in Pune, of which in Saat_chya Aat Gharaat this is a key (background) element of the plot. Directed by Sanjay Surkar, it has an ensemble cast that has managed to use the next generation of actors. If you've been in Pune for about 4-5 years (or any other city going through a similar transition), you'll instinctively react to the idea of the film. Using a real-life incident as its core, it explores which to me has always been the most important dilemma in Pune over the last couple of years - the overt frictional strife because of westernization and the "new age" urban lifestyle that accompanies big paypackets in the white-collar industries. Strife not only among generations, but among people in different strata. A latent animosity against the more hedonistic aspects of such a life comes to the fore when incidents like the ILS ragging incident take place. Pune is churning and that Saat_chya Aat Gharaat is about a certain viewpoint in the middle of this.

Shwaas (dir: Sandeep Sawant) has been commented upon in length by Gaurav & Sarika, so I'll throw in some other aspects. There was a certain singlemindedness in the story that few successful Indian movies are able to demonstrate. No songs were thought to be necessary (Saat_chya Aat Gharaat sadly fell prey to this), minimalism was in play in the length of the story and in small points such as the faceless wife of Dr. Sane (btw, they portrayed Puneri doctors/clinics brilliantly). The expansiveness was reserved for photographing the Konkan coast in all its glorious dimensions, again something that is relevant to the story. Getting real nurses/doctors etc. is something that worked. Interestingly, Ashwin Chitale, the actor who won the Best Child Actor award still seems to have no comprehension of what all this acclaim means, as a recent interview of his displayed.

This is a good time to be making Marathi films for the people are receptive and the financiers may be more inclined than ever before. Since there seems to be no active media funnel for receiving news on upcoming films, we don't know what lies in store in the immediate future, but the opportunity is knocking loudly right now.

Spot the difference

man/woman, young/old, patriot/alien, earthling/ET, north indian/south indian, introvert/extrovert, urban/rural, brahmin/non-brahmin, upper-caste/lower-caste, left-wing/right-wing, msft/unix, democrat/republican, hindu/muslim, mumbaikar/outsider, tall/short, fat/slim, rich/poor, lata/asha, rafi/kishore, vegetarian/non-vegetarian, sane/crazy, hot/cold, shia/sunni, protestant/catholic, shaivite/vaishnavite, iyer/iyengar, indian/pakistani, israeli/palestinian, irish/british, rahman/ilaiyaraja, kapil/gavaskar, wasim/waqar, pele/maradona, man utd./arsenal, ferrari/rest, gandhi/viruddha gandhi, secular/communal, savarkar/anti savarkar, mgr/karunanidhi, karunakaran/nayanar, sachin-can-win-matches/no-he-can't, TOI/indian express, clever/stupid, beautiful/ugly, manager/programmer, editor/staffer, sweets/savouries, hindustani/carnatic, western/desi, aishwarya/sushmita, latif/moin, aamir/shah rukh, kamal/rajni, labour/tory, disraeli/gladstone, 0/1, analog/digital, software/hardware, development/testing, c++/java, blue-collar/white-collar, odd/even, dmk/aiadmk, nehru/patel, nixon/kennedy, true/false, up/down, left/right, left-hand-drive/right-hand-drive, melody/rhythm, matter/anti-matter, happy/sad, many-more-of-this/complete-or-less...

Which minority do I belong to?

Swades - the soundtrack

Much awaited, but I wasn't in town on the day of the audio release. Came back, looked around in the morning, but all shops still closed. Alas. Evening it took to get hold of a CD. Nice cover (T-Series!!). Even better inlay card, with extensive credits and full lyrics. Inserted with anticipation. Nine tracks! Liked some on first hearing. Lukewarm towards the rest. Great lyrics! Second round. The familiar "growing" feeling. Goosebumps felt with some interludes. Listening repeatedly since to get a complete feel. Settled opinion now.

The trailers were very interesting for Ashutosh Gowariker's Swades, especially among those who had been keeping an eye out. With a repeat offering of the Gowariker-Akhtar-Rahman-nationalism combination in store, most were inevitably looking for Lagaan - Redux. Sadly, that hangover is going to influence people's opinions, and given the choice of singers & song themes, that sentiment will not go away.

I found it curious that with this album, different people have reacted positively to different clutches of songs. Also that most have recalled whiffs of older ARR songs, but - and this is interesting - not every recalls the same songs! Perhaps, with a canon that is getting larger each year, this is inevitable. However, this is not to suggest that the score is repetitive. Anyway, let me plunge into some personal reactions to the 7 vocal tracks and 2 instrumental pieces.

Swades is an album that you can soak yourself in. It has a consistent texture (if that is the right word), for which I would primarily credit Gowariker. A music director cannot impose his will on a film's foreground score and contrast it with the possibilities in the script. In some sense Swades is to Lagaan what Lakshya was to DCH, in that the two scripts had (seem to have) music needs that people can (and they're usually dying to) draw parallels between. The lyrics are a huge draw, with Javed Akhtar being in top form in most songs. I say this because of the relative lack of clichés and the richly evocative words, to which ARR has responded well.

Yeh Tara Woh Tara is the pleaser that the trailers have chosen to launch from. A lone strumming begins and is followed by Udit Narayan. A short "mukhaDaa" and a long, early interlude isn't accompanied by the full-blown song, rather there is quiet but rich evocation with dulcet tones. We then get into more heavy strings ( strings & the flute are a preponderance in this album). A little bit of Navin on the flute, quiet philosophical optimism continues, and suddenly! - trademark higher-pitch voice, of a little boy (Vignesh, sounding better than Udit Junior has in the past). This is a lengthy song, and the lyrics on the inlay cover are a good accompaniment. At times, Udit gets a little too saccharine for me, an old failing. Third voice, small girl (Pooja), and now all in part-chorus. Crescendo follows soon.

It isn't surprising to hear people invoke "Mitwa" (with the singer, the strumming, the "type" of song). Somehow, I never felt that even once till date. I liked this instantly, without almost any reservation.

Sa.nwariya is all Alka Yagnik's, and reminded me of her efforts in The Legend of Bhagat Singh. A single, fleet-footed beat accompanies her almost throughout, which sometimes lapses (in my opinion) to a more conventional North Indian beat in the "a.ntaraa"s. It's a really quiet song, with female harmony filling in the spaces. Interludes are quite pleasing. It is one of those that needs some time to grow, but will never attempt to grab you by the collar.
I remember a Lagaan interview, where Yagnik said she liked words like "Goriya/Sa.nwariya" in "O Rii ChOrii". Well, she got to repeat that.

Yu.n Hi Chalaa is the other song doing the rounds of the TV promos. "Lighthearted road" song is pretty much how I label it. It's got a lot of engaging strings and acoustic guitars that strum away in the near background. Rahman chooses to go in with three voices (Hariharan,Udit,Kailash Kher), though we see only two on screen in the trailers. Kailash Kher has the kind of unconventional male voice that Rahman seems to dig, so prepare to hear a lot of him in the future. Here, he'd fit Makarand Deshpande's persona well. Hariharan sounds a little flat and renders it in a western tone, while Kher delves into these "aalaaps", "sargams" and modulations quite well. The song has a pop/rock flavour, which sets it apart from the rest of the album, but is melodious nevertheless. One of my favourites.

Aahistaa aahistaa is my least favourite song in this album. A sort of subdued lullaby, I remain cool to this (though several people seemed to have liked this quite a bit). It has the usual Rahman synths and by now I'm a little weary of Udit. Sadhana Sargam pulls things up a bit towards the end, and their harmony together is a little redeeming. This song is going to remind people of "Cha.ndaa Re/VeNNilavé". Santoor (credited to Srinivasulu) is a focal instrument.

Yeh Jo Des Hai Tera/Swades wasn't my pick of the album at first hearing, but many people instantly took to it. I warmed up to it soon, and can now add it to that selective list of good songs that Rahman seems to reserve for himself, but more in the mould of "Vellai PuukkaL". The song essentially consists of a lone beat, a shehnai accompaniment, a faded chorus and the Rahman voice If ever there was a song tugging at nostalgic heart-strings, this is it. Rahman never loses control, and the lyrics don't pretend to be clever, but fit the situation perfectly. Great conclusion of the vocals with the plaintive shehnaai.

Pal Pal Hai Bhaari came as a surprise to me. Who in this age of filmmaking would have a Ramliila song? But Ashutosh Gowariker wants to have one, and Rahman jumps at the chance. Madhushree's "mukhaDaa" gave me that wonderful aural feeling at "aaO raghuviira O"! As the "Baje satya ka da.nka" piece highly resembles a rhythm portion of "If You wanna come along" (New), I was a little miffed at its reuse in this kind of song! But I'm getting used to it. All this is forgotten at the musical response to the harsh Ravana (Vijay Prakash) interrogative lyrics (a good contrast to the female tones): "gin paayegaa...maryaada purshottam" piece is melodious. The third voice (Ashutosh Gowariker is this male voice, I believe) sounds a little orthogonal, and provides a philosophical counterpoint. But the song is vigorous and engrossing, with its mood of despair & moral defiance leading to a happier outcome - quite like "Sarfaroshi ki Tamanna". Wow!

Dekho Na has appeared before, in the vigorously panned "Baba". I haven't heard the original that much, so I don't carry the same antagonism towards this song. I was prepared to be disappointed, but I found quite a bit to merit a repeated listen. The interludes especially. It tends to be a routine romantic song at many places though. I see a mandolin, oud & harp listed in the credits. Am I right is supposing that the mandolin is used in this song?

The two instrumental pieces are a flute rendition of Pal Pal and the shehnaai piece of the title track, both of which are good.

Swades is an instance for the non-Tamil audience that ARR can create albums with a dominance of melody, without having to resort to heavy (Western) rhythms. I think it's time for that debate to be quelled a little. Moreover, this has been about North Indian flavours in melody, rather than using more southern arrangements. It's definitely not up with his best, but it is above average. Rahman fans will obviously love it, and others may like parts of it. I reckon it would take about three passes around the album to make up your mind - that depends on whether you have the patience to make a special case of an ARR album. I'm not so sure if it will attract the greatest mass appeal, for it has no item/dance numbers and by extension, no lack of apparel. Three listens later, and I think one would be sympathetic to atleast 4 out of the 7 vocal tracks.

We, among the people - in Swades

From Thursday 5:30 pm to Sunday 7:00 pm.
From Pune to Agra to New Delhi to Pune.

1. 3rd A/C Sleeper (almost not making it at the start amidst pouring rain in blazing sunshine)
2. Tata Sumo
3. Walk
4. Four-in-an-Auto
5. walk-to-find-breakfast
6. auto
7. crowded minibus w/o leg-space (that had a brick stuck between its wheels!)
8. walk-pestered-by-wannabe-guides-and-shaairs
9. modified-Maruti-van (pretending to be a Tata Sumo)
10. walk again
11. Four-again-in-an-Auto
12. 2nd Sleeper (in a train pretending to be a super-fast express, it also turned out to be "Such a *Fine* Journey")
13. CNG taxi
14. Free-IA-Coach
15. Airplane
16. Auto
17. Pillion-on-Motorbike (belonging to Daemon, laden with luggage and sweets).

Why Zee won't stand for Zenith

Now even the telecast of the Ind-Aus Test series is in serious doubt. All thanks to this never-ending wrangle over the rights to telecast all Indian matches for the next four years. As usual, the BCCI & its never ending love for more Taakaas land us, the viewers, in danger of losing out.

Like some good historian, I lay the blame squarely in the past. The BCCI is directly to blame for this situation, though it may seem to be acting very holy now. They kept squeezing the goose, not to kill it, but to make it lay more than one golden egg at a time. And fast. So came all these bears demanding a lick of the honey (Yeah, the allegory sucks). I don't even know how much money the BCCI is demanding. Just consider the fact that Ten Sports reportedly sold each 10 seconds of Indo-Pak cricket at Rs. 300K. The action may, by some stretch, be worth that much, but most of the ads weren't. If I were a client, I'd force my ad agencies to come up with something much better. Frankly, I wonder if 30K/sec was worth the actual sales of those products. But we can't help it. Indian cricket on television is being courted like never before and the BCCI stands at the gates of the swayamvara. The BCCI doesn't seem to care who the suitors are. Zee and the businessmen running it don't want to see the prospect of easy money go away unfought.

Those who have seen ESS's recent readiness to "appeal" to the masses will wonder what differentiates all these channels now. I agree that potentially all of these could end up serving the same dish, but I think the inbuilt maryaada will lie in their backgrounds. All said and done, ESS come from a sportscasting tradition. Their marketing men, their producers, their staff is geared to show sport. SET & Zee think in terms of "entertainment". Their primary instincts are rooted in Bollywood, and in film-based TV. To salvage a situation, they will veer towards the arclights (incidentally, bollywood is inclined to get cricketers to do the same for it!). SET-Max did exactly that. The biggest impact is that in doing so, they've forced ESS to follow suit, if not to the same extent. Zee have claimed that Ten Sports will produce their telecast. However, will the Zee channel be a sports channel or a Max-like "entertainment" one? Whatever be the claims, Zee wouldn't know what to do with that channel in non-cricketing hours, so following a Max model will make sense for them. I'm sorry to do this, but I must quote Ms. Mandira Bedi on this, whom I recently saw saying this: "Cricket drives India. Wait, actually cricket and films drive India". It is the sign of times that even someone who has been a proven failure at her first job, and not much better at her second is able to dish out "truths" like these. Is it really a fact that mixing cricket & films creates the Philosopher's Stone? It has been hammered into our heads continuously - whether it really is a fact, no one can prove. However, I have yet to meet anyone who tunes in to watch the cricket only because of "Extraa Innings".

Many viewers have criticised these "extraa toppings", so I won't bother doing that. However, witness what this kind of content and competitors coming from non-sporting fields have done - they have thrust upon us a crew of incompetent commentators.

Not all commentators are freelancers, and so usually 'belong" to a channel's production. Which means that most channels have to find droves of ex-cricketers (usually Indian) to do the job. In turn, these ex-cs have no powers of articulation, no fresh insights and even worse, are even heavily partisan at times. It really tells you that even if you've played at the highest level, you need not have the mental faculties to present or ponder over it. The Australians are no doubt the best in this business as well, especially after the emergence of Healy & Taylor (some of them may no be as good, but the difference in quality is evident). From among the rest, we have only a few good commentators, be it presenters or experts. The wide panel of SET-Max is one you hardly feel inclined to listen to. Even worse, is that on the few occasions that there is any analysis on, the Bedi-Sharma comedy duo perched in the middle cut them off bluntly. It was a little painful to watch Arun Lal & Mark Nicholas protest, albeit mildly, saying that (in response to one such attempt), "Wait, let us finish this point, before you go off to whatever you have got". If Zee has to get more anchors & commentators, it's only likely to get even worse.

I'm not convinced that Harsha Bhogle is the only Indian who can speak with a feel for cricket. I have no clue, but would someone like Rohit Brijnath be good at this? Perhaps an SOS to him. I'm sure hardly anyone at Zee or SET-Max would think of good cricket writers donning this role. (OK, people like Ayaz Memon have signed up, but they've merely joined the bandwagon, so expect less criticisms of these things from them). Their instinct would be to get some glamourous figures. This is not to say that only men can do this job - some of the sports correspondents with ESS & NDTV are pretty decent, and easily more knowledgable than Ms. Bedi. If it's a criterion, they are good looking too. The problem is that we can even overlook the prologue & epilogue of the match telecast (missing the toss & the post-match interviews is fine) to avoid the mindless chatter. But when you have to listen to Srikkanth blabber away all the time, it is too much. I would've given it to ESS just on the basis of having dropped Sidhu.

(BTW, worst Indian pair: Atul Wassan & Srikkanth. Has you reaching for the noose and Fevicol. And, while on the subject, the best Indian commentator is still playing. I'll await the day when Rahul Dravid hangs up his boots and picks up a mike.)

Whatever the Shazzes & Wazzes & hospital nurses, ESS will probably not go the way of their competitors. But don't the other channels ever fear saturation? How long can you get jobless film stars & unheard-of TV wannabes to profess their undying love for the "Men in Blue"? This to a nation of so-called "cricket jaa.nkaars" of which 80% still don't know what the LBW rule is, even after 20 years of live telecasts.

What is the way out? ESS seem to think that having a more flashy Hindi channel might help. Atleast they're of that inclination. The BCCI apparently runs cricket as custodians on our behalf, but they prefer too count their cash and not worry about intangibles such as high-quality broadcasting. It just struck me that most recent improvements that the BCCI touts emanate from being able to sell the team better. Foreign coach, psychologist, best medical advice. All so that they can get the goose back to laying eggs. People think it should rest a while, but that doesn't seem to strike the BCCI as a good idea.

I've also realised the source of all this frustration. From all corners, the media are telling people like me that we no longer matter. We aren't part of the lower reaches of the common denominators, so we cease to influence. I have to put up with it, I have no alternatives. The day someone brings a blogger-like revolution to broadcasting, making it cheap (and somewhat unreliable, yes), maybe I can pick. But today I have to stand in the corner and follow someone's else's idea of fun.

Related links

: * Cricket for Dummies
* ICC intent on telecasts being 'less commercial'

End Note: Saw Mr. Dalmia on "Walk The Talk" saying that he was voted in "patron-in-chief" by the BCCI to continue negotiations in complex financial settlements. Did he have to be "P-in-C" to do that, one wonders? A friend had remarked to me that the next step for him would be to be nominated "patron saint" of the BCCI.

BC Quizzing article

Thanks to Sarika, the BC Quiz Club has a little article on it in today's Pune Times of India (despite what we've been saying about it :-) ).

Links:

* Read it here
*or here (this one may render a little weirdly on most browsers).

My name is PBolnnD, James PBolnnd

No self-respecting P.G.Wodehouse hero or Drones member (even the odd feisty lady) will have a name, preferably long and excessively formal, without possessing an equally frivolous nickname. Gussie, Freddie, Oofy, Bingo and Stiffy are among those that spring to mind.

Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps is definitely a classic PGW specimen, but I only just found out the other day that the "Fotheringay" is to be pronounced something like "Fringee"! This reminds me of the other Brit-name-pronounced-radically-differently case: "Cholmondley" which, if my informers are to be believed, is pronounced as "Chumley".

Of course they must all reside in Worcestershire or Gloucestershire!

Perhaps a post exploring PGW namespaces for the Lit Blog beckons!

More and more Blogs

* Some of us pay tribute to the Pune Times of India (You can join if you wish)

* Arka has a lot to say as usual

* Sud tells all what it is to be an outsourcee

* The Cricinfo India cricket blog: something I have been following for a while and been meaning to link all that while. Now that I've met Amit, I can procrastinate no more :-) And after you browse through the above, perhaps you'd like to read my verbose post on the Booker Prizes at the Lit Blog