Faux News - IV
CTS/RSI epidemic sweeps Bihar
By our Patna correspondent
A massive outbreak of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Repetitive Stress Injuries (CTS/RSI) has swept Bihar in the last one week. The state machinery that was gripped by election fever has now had to mobilise its efforts to combat this sudden rash of this condition.
According to medical experts, the cause of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Repetitive Stress Injuries is when people perform some kind of repetitive work with their hands and fingers, such as typing or pressing some objects such as buttons with great rapidity. Patients experience severe stiffness in joints of the fingers and sometimes pain, and are unable to make effective use of their hands.
A curious aspect to this epidemic has been the inexplicable fact that almost all of the reported cases of CTS/RSI are of people belonging to the ruling Rashtriya Janata Dal. The RJD President Mr. Laloo Prasad Yadav has scoffed allegations linking these patients to alleged booth-capturing incidents, saying that it was a malicious canard spread by the BJP. He announced that the State Government would be providing free medical care and interim relief of Rs. 25000/- each. He cited this incident as yet another example that Bihar, contrary to popular notion, was actually technologically advanced as they had started to see "diseases caused by high-tech" (sic).
The World Health Organization which wished to investigate the curious Bihar epidemic had sent its fact-finding mission to Patna, but the State Government refused to allow them to meet the patients on grounds that it could be a contagious disease and this incident would be used by the Government's enemies to malign it. Chief Minister Rabri Devi has reportedly created a home-made remedy for CTS/RSI, which consists of three pints of goat milk, three garlic pods, a pinch of urea...
Continued on Page 6
DIGIT magazine puts fingers in cursor row
Our Technology correspondent
The publishers of popular Computer magazine DIGIT (formerly CHIP) find themselves in a unseemly row over one of the cursors provided on a CD of their April issue. The CD contains a set of cursors that can be installed on Windows, and are a popular part of the "goodies" that are carried in the magazine. However, the release of the latest issue of the magazine has led to controversy. Mrs. Cusrow of Pune has sued the publishers on the grounds that one of the cursors supplied was in bad taste and promoting obscenity.
Mrs. Cusrow, whose son Neville is a regular subscriber of DIGIT, says that the offending cursor is one which is used to highlight a link. This is usually in the shape of a hand, where the right index finger extends in a gesture of pointing. However, the cursor on the CD actually has the middle finger extending out instead of the index finger. (We're unable to carry a photo of this cursor since this is a family newspaper). Mrs. Cusrow is justifiably angry over this disgraceful icon.
The publishers of DIGIT have immediately withdrawn all issues of the April edition and have accepted their mistake. In a press statement, they have admitted their fault and have promised stern action against the miscreants who caused this embarassment to their readers. They are also hopeful for an out-of-court settlement to settle the suit.
Glycerine shortage: Ektaa cries foul, Smriti goes to Haridwar
Ektaa Kapoor is fuming and the TV world is feeling the heat. In an interview to a private channel yesterday, the Balaji Telefilms supremo lashed at out at rival soap opera producers for creating an artificial scarcity of glycerine in the market. She refused to name these "rogue producers" but vowed to hit back.
Readers may recall that Nayantara and Co., Nainital are India's largest suppliers of glycerine, and have had a flourishing tie-up with the TV production houses of Mumbai who are their biggest markets. But of late, large scale hoarding and stocking up of glycerine by some anonymous buyers has left Balaji Telefilms stranded for lack of the vital ingredient. Kaminii Kullwannt, head of Infrastructure at Balaji Telefilms, describes this as a clear cut strategy aimed at hurting the interests of her company.
Though Ms. Kapoor & Ms. Kullwant won't admit it, production schedules have been hit badly, but stocks of previous episodes and "Diwali/Holi/May Day" specials (which consist of a large garba party in the serials) will be used as buffers for the moment. This paper has also reliably learnt that the reason for Smriti Z. Irani's KSBKBT character Tulsi taking a vacation to Haridwar in the plot was not due to the actress's Chandni Chowk campaign, as reported in the media. The real reason was the shortage of glycerine in the open market, since she is the largest single user of the product in Indian television today.
Insiders claimed that Balaji Telefilms have undertaken a pre-emptive move to prevent similar actions in the designer sari market. One source claimed that the owner of Nav Waar and Sons (who are the biggest sari suppliers to the Hindi TV industry) has been whisked away to a secretive, undisclosed location somewhere in Kanchipuram. It does seem likely that the aggressive TV production company will go the whole nine yards in this war.
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