Aug 5, 2008

Billshot Bungle

The only way Niranjan and I have been able to survive the urban morass of corporate jargon that pullulates life in the urban jungle is through ever-vigilant ridicule (it gets worse if we slip into the gutter ourselves). Bullshit Bingo no longer assuages the cringing soul, so we came up with an evolutionary brainwave. It's called Billshot Bungle.

The idea was simple: we came up with several malaprop versions of various terms of ja-aargh-on. You could spring it on people whose native tongue has morphed into managerese. Perhaps, like Tyler Durden in action at restaurants and films, this is probably a similar but low-grade form of guerilla warfare. If this causes some unused neuron in the recipient's head to pop in unease and shock, perhaps our job is done :-)

The idea is that the replacement 'Billshot' ought to be vaguely appropriate to the term and context that it replaces. We could do more, for instance, coming up with showstopping retorts such as: Are we on the same page. -> No, we're not even in the same chapter. But that's for later.

Here's our list.

BullshitBillshot
Keep you in the loopKeep you in the noose
Touch baseTouch bottom
Learning curveBurning curve/Learning kerb
On the same pageIn the same cage
Going forwardThrowing/Blowing forward
GranularityGranulocity
StakeholdersStickholders
Leverage these assetsLevitate these assets
Take it offlineTake it offshore
At the end of the dayAt the end of the play
Heads upHeads on
When the rubber meets the roadWhen the robber hits the road
Sync upSink in/Stink up
Set the right expectationsSet the bright extensions
Low hanging fruitLow hanging foot / low lying fruit
Keep the lights onKeep the tights on
Deep diveDeep fry
Ballpark estimateBallpoint estimate
BandwidthBondwith

10 comments:

Zero said...

Hilarious stuff, Ramanand. Had a good laugh sitting at work.

Thanks

Ashwin Raghu said...

Great stuff! "Bandwidth Bondwith" was brilliant! Would love to use some of these at a meeting or something, but my problem personally is keeping a straight face through it. :)

Check out this BBC article ('50 office-speak phrases you love to hate'): http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7457287.stm

siddharth said...

Good one man!!!
I'm not good at all such creative stuff, but gave it a shot this time round.
Showing a carrot -> Showing a pirate

Going Live -> Going to get a life

Testing the code -> Tasting the gourd.

I know its a bad try. But its ok..u can curse me if u found this pathetic!!! :)

Kunal T said...

Good compilation. Lifehacker has a nice article on such corporate buzzwords and their real meaning :) http://lifehacker.com/software/let.s-touch-base/the-cubicle-warriors-guide-to-office-jargon-265894.php

Ramanand said...

All: thanks for your appreciation.

Ashwin Raghu: We had used that BBC link to make sure we had covered most of the principal offenders :-)

Kunal T: thanks for the link.

Siddarth: quite a try!

Niranjan said...

We also plan to use these with a straight face during meetings. The trouble could be that nobody would notice the difference ;))

Anonymous said...

quaint raman, thats a riot!
I wonder if you have ever heard
"..attack the low-hanging fruit...". When a woman boss says that to me...;-)

Saket said...

:) Simply awesome!

Pleiades said...

These were absolutely brilliant! :D Came to your blog after quite a while. Loved the stake/stickholders one. Hate that term. Wonder if the waiters at a restaurant were given ESOPs (If such a thing can happen that is); would they'd be called steakholders?!

Sarika

Alex said...

Awesome Dude Awesome