On the subject of former -pletives and television

If I've said this once, I've said this a hundred times: when I'm swearing, you are more likely to see me next to the Governor or President taking some dutiful oath than hear me voicing an oath of profanity. That is not to say that I have never vented my anguish in n-letter words, but to recognise that I reserve them for the most trying of moments. In fact, in such matters, only Jeeves with his slight twitching of eyebrows when deeply affected may be ahead of me in the Stoicism Olympics.

Which is why people respect the occasion when I do spout the words of cuss-dom, (if I may say so at the risk of the English Language sending her choicest selection my way). I retain the sanctity (or lack of) of the words and have not diluted their full essence. This previous post may stand testimony to this claim.

All this buildup, essentially, to further the record of television-soap bashing that this blog has faithfully engaged in (our motto is Die! tergent). I hereby announce a cash reward of Rs.xxxxxx to the first bahuu who has enough and says something like this:

M-in-L: Daayan! teri yeh majaal? Kya tumhaare maa-baap ne tumhe yahi sikhaaya hai? Thiik se Chicken-a-la-pousse bhi banaana nahi aata? Jaao aur apne bistar pe ronaa shuru karo. tumhe aaj bilkul dessert (Chocolate Mousse, by the way) nahi milegaa!

The traditional template in this situation would call for the D-in-L to clank her chuDiyaa.n in remorse and weep copiously (though carefully, without upsetting the carefully layered rouge and foundation on her rosy cheeks) while seeking the nearest tulsi plant (or amman kovil in case of the Tamil tearjerker) to ask mujhe kyu.n is serial mei.n janam lene par kyu.n majabuur kiyaa?. The challenge is to say in return, something like this on international television, without sacrificing most bahuu-like qualities:

D-in-L: Teri xx kii! Just ***k off, alright?
(followed by sharp turn to right-of-camera into the hall where there is no T.V. like in all self-respecting Indian TV serials).

That's the [Arial|Surf|Henko] challenge. That'll earn them a faithful fan in me. Only then will this blog will cease to foam at the mouth. (That line had a pun. It was intended. Go back and read it).