Faux News - 13

Faux News - 13

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

Ektaa Kapooor wins Bhaarat Ratnna; Rakhii cries foully

Jan 15, 2008, New Delhi
Ektaa Kapooor, producer of TV serials, has awarded the Bhaarat Ratnna. She will receive the nation's highest honour at the hands of the President in a ceremony on Republic Day this year. Kapooor won the award beating off stiff competition from stalwarts such as former Prime Minister Atall Behaari Vaajpeyyii, other politicians Jyotii Baasu and Kaanshii Ram, cricketers Sachin Tendulkkar and M.S.Dhonii and a whole host of TV personalities.

The choice of Ektaa came as a surprise to many as Kapooor was a late wildcard entrant to the race. The strong support for the producer in the specially constituted electoral college was not evident earlier. The members of the college, who voted via SMS, seemed inclined towards Tendulkkar. However, the latter's involvement in the monkey-kaand put off some voters who wanted a less controversial choice this time. Rumour has it that the results were tied and that President Patil, an old fan of Kapooor's serials, put the casting vote in her favour. Rashtrapati Bhavan refused to comment on this, but the fact that all Presidential receptions strictly end before 8 pm tells a tale in itself.

Predictably, the likes of Rakhii Sawannt have complained against this choice. Rakhii said: "meraa tiikaa to usse achchaa thaa." Balaji Telefilms, in a press release today, congratulated its founder on the award, stating it to be a victory for all womenhood of the nation and just recognition for one who has brought entertainment, empowerment, and liberation from tyranny to half the country. To celebrate, the production house has announced that it will postpone the deaths of three of its oldest characters by another year, and will double the weekly break-time of its actors to 10 minutes.

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Faux News - 12

Faux News - 12

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

World tires of T20; "World B-Out Bout" begins today

Mar 3, 2016, Beijing
The ICC Bowl-Out Cricket World Cup starts today in Beijing with a match between China and France. The organisers hope that the championship will revive flagging fortunes of the sport around the world, especially in China, after the shock exit of the home team in the Twenty20 World Cup last year.

It took 100 years for people to get tired of Test cricket and 30 years to find One-day cricket odious, so it is fitting that Twenty20 has fallen out of favour in just 9 years (figures from our statistician and scorer).

The Chinese team has just one player from the team for the Twenty20 World cup, who also captains the team. Talking of his as-yet unknown players, Bao Ling said: "we have two players who were spotted on the streets of Canyun, playing marbles. We have decided to throw the blokes into the deep end as they can hit the deck hard and have a big ticker and can aim for the top of off-stump like a tracer bullet." Their English coach, Ravi Shastri, was seen with arms folded, giving the boys a special work-out on pronouncing "edged and taken!"

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World Cup Final today; Millions forget to watch

Aug 29, 2019, Armstrong Base, Sea of Tranquility
Today was the Grand Final of the ICC Cricket World Cup. Here's what the captain of the Indian team had to say before the match:

"I'm very confident about my performance today. I have been in good form lately. My wrists are nice and supple and I have been regularly practising my thumb-flicks. There was a scare involving my index finger because of a paper-cut I picked up yesterday, but thanks to my physio, all is well. I could easily pass the fitness test today."

That was the Indian captain speaking exclusively to us before walking out to the middle to toss. He tosses, the Israeli captain calls "Heads" but it's come down tails, it is tails, it is tails! India have won the first Tossers Cricket World Cup!!!

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Faux News - 11

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

Police raid rant party, end up disgruntled

In a pre-dawn raid, police raided a flat on the outskirts of Pune anticipating a party of dopers. Instead, to their embarassment, all they found was a bunch of mopers in their pyjamas complaining about their life, their spouses, and their bosses.

"We had received a tip-off from sources about a suspicious 'rant party' happening this night. We surrounded the building complex and stormed in, but we did not find anything more than bottles of warm cola and cold pizza. My men were pretty disappointed." said the officer in charge, Inspector Radne. Owner of the house and party-organiser Piloo Fait protested against this police action. "This is an example of the way society treats those who have the moral fibre to complain." "The bitches", he added eloquently.

Sources tell us that the organisers sent out notices via social networking sites like "The Orkut" and by word-of-mouth, inviting people to a party where one could "declaim the iniquities of life without restriction". "We heard some pretty harsh things today", said one participant who wished to remain unnamed. She was later heard complaining that the party was not good enough to even be successfully busted.

It also appears that some of the policemen succumbed to the facilities (which included a personalizable dartboard and punchbags). Injustices in promotions and bandobast beats were aired openly, but off the record. "I am out raiding parties all the time - the fried snacks served there make it impossible to get rid of my paunch. How do superiors expect me to?" asked one constable, sitting on a bean-bag.

Inspector Radne refused to admit the police had made a mistake, slapping a fine on Piloo Fait for playing a Region-2 DVD on a modified Region-5 DVD Player. The police party then left the disgruntled people alone, who settled down to watch episodes of "Grumpy Old Men".

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Faux News - 10

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

China bans Hu jokes; Indian sub-editors under house arrest
By our Sino-sure correspondent

In a major development, the People's Republic of China has banned all jokes and puns involving the name of Chinese President Hu Jintao, especially in newspaper headlines. In a period where several Chinese, especially citizens of Beijing, have been learning English to prepare for the 2008 Olympics, this move is seen as protecting Hu and other high-ranking officials of the Communist Party of China from being seen as objects of scorn.

An official spokesman said: "It is very unfortunate that some anti-national forces in this country and outside are misusing the noble name of President Hu Jintao, especially its unfortunate resemblance to certain words of the English language, to produce perverse persiflage. The Chinese Government condemns such efforts to degrade the elders of the country and will not tolerate such insults to its leaders.". It has been learnt that notices have been sent to various English language media offices to refrain from printing the word "Hu" in any pun-like situations.

Sources indicate that this drastic step was taken after reports of a fresh outbreak of email forwards featuring an old joke involving President Bush, President Hu and then Secretary Rice that has been doing the rounds again. The difference is that newly English-equipped Chinese have now been able to relish such humour. When asked to comment, the US State Department brushed it off as an internal development of a sovereign state. However, it is learnt that President Bush called President Hu to discuss the late-night comic situation in the United States.

This prohibition has had ripples in India where President Hu is currently on a visit. On the request of the visiting Chinese, the Indian government has rounded up some of the most irreverent sub-editors in the capital and placed them under safe custody. A spokesman dismissed accusations of suppressing free speech terming this is as "a routine security measure". However, this website spoke to one sub-editor over a smuggled phone and learnt that the sub-editors were planning a protest march with banners such as "Hu's Headline Is It Anyway?". They are now registering their protest by playing "Who Let the Dogs Out?" at the loudest possible volume.

Our Washington Correspondent adds: Chinese lobbyists at Capitol Hill have now unveiled their new slogan for the season: "It's not about human rights; it's just that the Hu-Man's right"

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Faux News bulletin

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A.K.Hangal quits "Ram Gopal Varma ke Sholay"
By our Media correspondent

In yet another blow to Ram Gopal Varma and his attempts to remake the classic "Sholay", A.K.Hangal today announced he was leaving the project. When contacted by this website, he said "there were artistic differences with the creative team". However, sources close to the veteran actor said that Hangal-saab was keen on playing the role of "Ramlal" (played in the original by Satyen Kappu) and was promised it. However, now the role has been offered to Ramu regular Antara Mali because Hangal was not willing to speak any foul words on screen.

Mr. Hangal refused to confirm this, though he did accept that back in 1974 while making the original, when Ramesh Sippy first narrated the script to him, he was blown away by the role of Ramlal and had wanted to play it. However Sippy convinced him to take on the role of Imaam Saheb instead as Ramlal needed a person who was, as he politely put it, "not hirsutely challenged". The source said: if Amitabh can play his dream role, then Hangal-saab, being an industry veteran, could surely do the same, and should have been accomodated.

The mounting controversy does not seem to have affected the maverick director. Ramu has roped in Antara Mali to play the Thakur's manservant. "Actors come and go, but it's a hairy role", he quipped. Already, it is rumoured that the role has been re-written as a young all-dancing bodyguard. Mali will be taking special lessons on polishing studs of sports-shoes to act as deadly weapons, and she will play the valet with a curious arpeggio laugh.

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Faux News - 9

Faux News bulletin

(You know it's time if it's faux pas nine!)

Heem to sing for actresses too!
By Shoebox Que? Jaw

Heem or "Heem: Ace M.D", as he likes to be known, is not content with singing playback for all the male leads in his film albums. He is now going to sing for the female voices in his songs too, especially in his popular duets.

When contacted, the young music director refuted all accusations of this being a gimmick. "This is just another phase in my evolution as a music composer and singer. I still have a lot to learn in this ocean of music." Though gossip in the industry is that Heem, having enjoyed success singing in his unique voice in the last year for all the male voices in his films, wondered why female playback singers in his duets were taking all acclaim. News of the latest release of the music software Noizz-Trillzz from the Ol' Factory de Musique with their new module for further pitch and tonal modifications reached him, and experiments revealed that this unprecedented effort could be possible. "All this is part of my continued experimentation in this field", shrugs the composer with a wave of his newly acquired cape.

Reactions have been mixed. Female playback singers were understandably miffed with these developments considering that they were already being sidelined in the promotion of Heem's music. Actress Yoodishree who appeared in Heem's debut album "Race Me, Yeah!" and is also appearing in its remash "Race Me, Yaar!" was understandably more cautious. "It is, like, a new thing, na?" she cooed. Close friend and fashion stylist Pachy C. dismissed all these criticisms as jealousy adding: "His voice has a divine mix of Shiv and Shakti, which we will bring out in the videos".

The man himself says that this is a unique effort at creating a new genre of Androgynous Sufi Pop Rock Blues. Will it mean he will now have a good chance at winning three Filmfare Awards all at once? "I am not really thinking about all that. Right now, all I want to do is to focus on my work and riyaaz."

We know that Heem is laughing, oops, singing his way to his music banks!

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