Faux News - V
Michael Schumacher's Indian connection - Exclusive scoop!
By our Motorsport correspondent
Reigning Formula One champion Michael Schumacher owes a great deal of his success, especially in recent times, to an Indian. This astonishing revelation can now be made public, thanks to the intrepid reporting of this reporter in ferreting out one of the most closely held secrets in the game.
In an exclusive story privy only to this paper, a source close to the Ferrari team and the Schumacher camp has confirmed what until now was considered just another rumour in the gossip-filled world of Formula One racing where every strategem and tactic is desperately held on to. It had been widely reported that the Schumacher camp had on its rolls, an unknown figure only known as Otto Drifer thought to be a German national. But this paper has learnt that this shadowy figure is actually an Indian by the name of Adhav Baba from the Western Provinces of India. Little is known about him in public, but it is reliably known that he was a former driver himself (of a small public transport mechanism popular in most Indian towns) and is now a religious and spiritual figure. His personal secretary, Mr. Rick Shaw, declined any comments on any of these startling exposés.
Mr. Otto Drifer alias Adhav Baba was hired by Team Schumacher in the wake of the close season last year. The fragile nerves of the champion were a matter of concern for them. The reputation of the master from India had reached their ears and it was a matter of time before he had been recruited to make the key difference. In a secretive operation, Adhav Baba apparently feigned a trip to his guru in Bajajnagar, Himalayas and took on the pseudonym Otto Drifer to blend into the European team.
Our source described a set of key suggestions made by the "Zen" master. First a circular sheet of a secret combination of metals, very much resembling the common Compact Disk, was given to Schumacher and was hung just below the steering wheel. This divine disk is supposed to harness the alpha and omega forces extant in nature and focus their latent radiant powers on the driver. A secret mantra whose meaning remains obscure (apparently in a local dialect of an Indian language) was painted on the backside of the car (in scarlet so as to render it invisible to the others). The mantra reads "ILGNAS-FO-KNAB-OT-DETACEHTOPYH" and is to be written from right to left in order to unleash the appropriate occult forces. This had been employed at the European Grand Prix after the loss at Monaco where apparently Schumacher had forgotten to carry a photo of a spiritual-meter (a cuboid, black in colour and bearing the name of what is considered to be a holy place for driving "ravivarpeth").
In addition to this, Mr. Drifer taught the driver some manouevres of overtaking and sharp braking which needed to be accompanied by loud gutteral sounds aimed at the other drivers. It is being said that the champion's increased aggressiveness on the track is a result of these personal tuitions.
A decision to extend Mr. Drifer's stint at the Ferrari HQ has run into trouble after the team refused to accede to his demand to change the car colours to a combination of black-and-yellow which "are the proven cosmic colours of motion and momentum". Since Team boss Montezumulo is taking over as chairman of FIAT, this decision now has been put on hold.
With inputs from our correspondents in Turin and Pune. This scoop was sponsored by Kwality Ice Cream.
Jest like that!
Overheard in the highest echelons of the US Govt. in Washington: "I'm tellin' ya, we need more Asians around here. It seems like it's a good time to be Asian. First that Fantasia wins the American Idol contest and now Anastasia wins the French Open!"
Contributed by Faux Muddler
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