The Silly Season of Predictions - the 52nd Filmfare Awards

As the acme of their efforts to be like the Oscars, the organisers of the Filmfare Awards have even managed to host their show the same day as their Hollywood counterparts. What would a dream awards result be like? We dip into the yucky waters to probe:

Best Film
Tough, tough, tough. I'd give it to Dhoom-2 for maintaining the vapourware illusion of having made a film, even by Bollywood standards. At this rate, Dhoom-3 will be the epitome of "a consensual hallucination", just for 200/- bucks.

Best Director
Rakesh Roshan (Krrish). For directing the same film n times over and getting away with it.

Best Actor in a leading role (Male)
Inky pinky ponky father had a donkey donkey died father cried inky pinky ponky. The winner: Shahrukh Khan (Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna) (statistics show that however sophisticated the algorithm, the main part of the answer is usually the same)

Best Actor in a leading role (Female)
Aishwarya Rai (Dhoom 2). What if she stops acting due to domestic duties and never gets nominated again? We'll have to wait at least 10 years for the Lifetime Achievement. Let's not take any chances.

Best Actor in a supporting role (Male)
Abhishek Bachchan Amitabh Bachchan Shweta Bachchan Jaya Bachchan, for Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. Phew, the balance of power is restored after the Best Actor award.

Best Actor in a supporting role (Female)
Even the Oscars continue to say "Actress". Why the faux-modernism? Anyway, the award goes to Shilpa Shetty for acting as an actress, supported or cantilever.

Best Actor in a comic role
Hrithik Roshan (Krrish). After all, the role was literally taken from some random comic.

Best Actor in a negative role
Priyadarshan, for inflicting his poorly re-programmed Malayala-Panoramas on us.

Best Music
Pritam Chakraborty's BitTorrent client.

Best Lyrics
(Since this is probably the only category with an all-respectable nomination record, we will refrain from nasty commentary here).

Best Playback (Male)
The deviated septum currently known as Himesh Reshammiya wins, thanks to booth-capturing by, well, bhoots.

Best Playback (Female)
Kareena Kapoor ("I just called to say...", Omkara). Thankfully the Kapoors win an award this year too, so we don't have to resort to plan-B i.e. award the Lifetime Achievement Award to Babita.